Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
On Monday morning Ducks track and field star Ryan Tillman threw a stone through the John E. Jaqua Academic Center for Student Athletes, shattering and reducing the student-athlete academic center into a pile of broken glass, computers and books.
Sixteen students, including Tillman, are in the hospital being treated for minor cuts and bruises. The emergency team that arrived at the scene was shocked to find that nobody was seriously injured.
“They were all studying with Nike Pro Combat gear on. I think it’s a miracle. Without that extra protection I think the outcome would be different,” a hospital spokesperson told the Emerald.
University freshman Sierra Billows saw the whole thing happen.
“I was standing at the corner of 13th and Agate when the Jaqua fell apart like a house of cards. It was mesmerizing. It all happened so fast I couldn’t get my cell phone out in time to get a video.”
When asked why he threw the stone, Tillman said, “Ever since the Jaqua Center was completed, all I’ve wanted to do is throw a stone through it, just to see what would happen. Am I happy I threw that stone? Hell yeah I am. That shit was epic.”
Nike founder and University donor Phil Knight said he isn’t discouraged by the untimely destruction of the Jaqua Center. He has already hired a contractor to draft plans for a Jaqua Center 2.
“It’ll be bigger, glassier and stronger. We’ll use bulletproof glass this time.” Knight said.
Knight is also toying around with the idea of putting Muscle Milk in the drinking fountains.
“It really sucks to see such a beautiful building go like that,” an anonymous Ducks basketball player said. “At least now we can spend less time studying and more time working on our shooting.”
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