The following is a part of our shallot series, all content is unbelievably fake.
After a large group of University freshmen grew frustrated with Carson Dining Hall’s morbidly unhealthy food menu on Thursday, a flurry of French fries, pizza slices and hamburgers flew through the air in protest. The food fight left three freshmen with minor injuries.
“The freshmen of the University deserve edible food,” University sophomore Tommy Buckles said, while wiping an ice-cream sundae off his face. “We have been fed dog food for far too long.”
“I understand that they were upset,” said sophomore Janet Martin, who was left with a bruise on her arm after the food fight. “But was it really worth it?”
The food fight went on for about 30 seconds, according to Martin. But injuries still occurred.
“Usually only soft foods are thrown around — but I was smacked in the face with a damn apple,” Mark Chambers said.
Carson Dining Hall has been complained about for years for their constant service of high-calorie, unhealthy food.
“I shouldn’t have the option of eating four slices of pizza, three pieces of chicken, bottomless Twinkies, ice cream and cake,” Steve Ross, University freshman said.
The group of freshmen think Carson’s buffet-style menu advocates student obesity and is a major contributing factor to the University’s freshman 15 epidemic.
“I’m, like, gonna get so fat if they keep making me eat this crap,” University freshman Brittany Mills said.
A University study by the Department of Sociology found that buffet-style meals contribute to 30 percent of all freshmen meals. The average student consumes 3,000 calories in just one of these meals.
Another study from the Department of Economics found that Students that don’t eat buffet-style meals are 50 percent less likely to develop obesity.
“These dining halls are a nightmare,” University sociology professor Matthew Jones said. “I don’t understand how we allow them to exist.”
The ASUO plans to hold an emergency rally Friday at 6 p.m. to discuss improving the quality of food served at Carson Dining Hall.
“If students think the food here is bad for them, couldn’t they just not eat here?” Carson Dining employee Ally Waters said.