Of all of the legal stimulants, coffee is probably the most existential. An odd standard to hold a drug up to, but a fair one. If nothing gets you more jived up than sitting around being aware of yourself as an individual in a world you cannot relate to, this is the stuff for you. So let’s do the rounds and take a look at the best spots right here on campus to suck down the gallons of black fluid we need to kick our psyche into high gear in preparation for each soul-crushing, mindlessly futile day of our existence.
Speaking of soulless and mind-numbing futility, our first stop is the business school. One of the newest coffee shops on campus, the Lillis Café offers Starbucks-style art deco and a number of comfy chairs for the discriminating student. It makes a good place to get jazzed up and study some supply-side economics, if you don’t mind hanging out in a place with all the emotional appeal of the Capital One building cafeteria.
Speaking of cafeterias, the Daily Grind (oh, clever coffee shop name there) takes the same aesthetic and conveniently sucks the comfort right out of it. Hardwood seats are provided for you to bear down for those late-night study sessions that just suck the very joy of learning right out of you, leaving you a hollow, pitiful husk of a human being.
Interesting coffee fact: Did you know that a hot cup of coffee makes an excellent tool of self-defense?
Speaking of pitiful husks of humanity, the architecture department has its own spot for caffeine consumption on the second floor of Lawrence Hall, the Hearth Café. It’s a place where twitchy architecture majors go to get their fix so they will be able to keep their protractors steady for a couple more hours. The seats are plastic patio chairs, and the tables are
covered in clear hard plastic, which is conducive to both draft work and late-night human sacrifices to
Gordo, the powerful and vengeful god of blueprints.
Interesting coffee fact: Did you know that tea causes rectal cancer? (This fact brought to you by
the National Board of Coffee
Bean Growers.)
Speaking of cancer-causing agents, let’s move on to the science buildings and the Atrium Café in the lobby of Willamette Hall. The small coffee stand sits in the vast open space that is this section of the University. It’s a nice place to stop for a quick cup and a snack, provided you don’t mind the overwhelming sense of insignificance the building imbues upon all who walk through its hallowed halls. The massive echo chamber will magnify every dropped pencil and every squeaky shoe across the cavernous space, endlessly amplifying your mistakes
and deficits.
Interesting coffee fact: Did you know that Balzac died of a caffeine overdose? (This fact brought to you by the Institute for the Study of Stuffy Old French Naturalists.)
Speaking of pathetic insignificance, let’s move off into Dormland and the Common Grounds café (another clever coffee shop name! Yippee!), on the ground floor of the Hamilton complex. This dorm rat enclave is the perfect place for upperclassmen to pick up underage dates without having to go through the legal hassles involved with dating high schoolers. Want to know about the latest “Dance Dance Revolution” competition or the upcoming “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” showing? Then this is the place for you. It’s open late and the coffee ain’t half bad, provided you don’t mind reliving your ego-shattering, socially inept dorm experiences while drinking it.
Speaking of something completely unrelated to the last sentence, the EMU has a couple of nice little stops for the wandering collegian. The first is Grateful Bread (Ha! Pun!), which doesn’t actually sell that much bread but rather a wide selection of gooey, sugar-and-dough confections. The other stop is the Buzz (oh, subtle), which has a nice bit of artsy-fartsy coffeehouse atmosphere. It’s a place for those who like open mic nights and amateur poetry.
Interesting coffee fact: Did you know that coffee is conducive to
Zen states?
So we didn’t quite get through every coffee stop here on campus, but I can only handle so much caffeine before I get so jittery that I lapse into nonexistence. Happy stimulant consumption.

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