In light of April Fools’ Day, the Editorial Board would like to present a summary of recent news events we wish were jokes.
The crap’s out of the bag
On Monday night, a San Diego woman experienced a harrowing mugging while walking her dog, according to an Associated Press report. Unfortunately for the criminal, the bag snatched from the woman’s hand was not full of money; it was full of her dog’s droppings. Criminal recklessness indeed.
It pays to be a Trekkie
This week, “NBC Nightly News” ran an interesting story on lesser-known, alternative scholarships available to graduating high-school students. Noteworthy awards include: $500 to language students from the Klingon Language Institute; $1,500 from the American Sheep Industry; and an award to the University of Chicago if your last name is Zolp.
X-graded
On Wednesday, a California State University fraternity was suspended after members admitted to acting in a porn film, according to an AP report. They knew something was odd about that Film 101 class.
The real labor of birth
An Ohio woman failed to get to a hospital to deliver her baby Tuesday and ended up parking at a local gas station to give birth in her family van. The AP reported that a customer at the service station called police with the woman’s license number and explained the situation; however, a mix-up occurred, and officers set out looking for the woman’s van as a stolen vehicle. Luckily the mix-up was set straight, but before officers could reach the woman, another caller mistakenly reported that someone was trying to throw a baby from the van. In the end, several officers ordered her out of the van at gunpoint, at which time the whole situation was quickly resolved.
Selsun Blue: pollution prevention
A WebMD news article suggested Thursday that especially in the winter months, dandruff, dead skin cells and other similar cell fragments could account for notable air pollution and climate change.
When the court starts a-rockin’
The Michael Jackson trial took an intimate turn Wednesday, according to MTV News, when witness Cynthia Bell was asked about her definition of cuddling. Bell offered to show the court instead, and prosecutor Gordon Auchincloss was allowed to approach the witness. However, before things could get too hot and heavy, the witness chair collapsed.
It’s in the punch line
Earlier this week, the AP reported that a New Orleans family discovered two bricks of cocaine in its used car. The drugs had most likely been strapped to the car’s fuel line since the family purchased it in 1997, eventually resulting in an ironic deceleration of the vehicle’s speed.

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