Sometimes it’s good to be constructive and praise what is good and true in our culture, to provide a road map for others so that they might have a chance enjoy the wonders of truly wonderful art. But often it’s more fun to blow off some steam and take my own artistic frustrations out on things that truly and woefully suck. Which is what I intend to do here.
Let us start with George Lucas. The “Star Wars” prequels have been a hideous boil on the cultural landscape for years and his atrocious hack job on the original films stands as one of the most monumentally stupid and single-mindedly greedy cash-ins of cinema history. To top it off, his zealousness concerning digital technology is leading to a rush toward digital projection long before digital quality has caught up with good old celluloid. Yet this man has somehow gained the status of a directional shaman or grand old wizard of film. What bullcrap. Outside of the original “Star Wars” and “THX 1138,” what else has he done that’s worthwhile? That pile of nostalgic “Happy Days” baby-boomer, feel-good, clap-trap, “American Graffiti?”
Speaking of hack work, let’s take a look at Michael Bay’s films for an example of how to single-handedly dumb down an entire culture. Not only has this man cut the average attention span of his viewers in half through his relentless editing, which leaves no time for character development or actual human emotion, but he has spent the last few years taking a big ol’ shat on horror cinema history by producing blankly stylistic remakes of classic horror films. Next on his list is “The Hitcher,” as if his complete misreading and ham-fisted handling of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” weren’t enough (he’s planning a prequel to that as well, that son of a bitch. There is also a rumor involving a remake of “The Birds.” Godammit, this demon must be stopped).
Do you realize that “Armageddon” has an average shot length (the average time between cuts) of only 2.3 seconds? This is about half of what most films average. Now if only he would make his f**kin’ movies shorter, we would all be better off.
Moving on, all of the “Left Behind” books really suck, and so did “Passion of the Christ” for that matter. Dull, self-righteous religious polemics that indulge in the worst aspects of Christianity. Honestly, why should anyone give a crap? The “Left Behind” series is especially atrocious, not only for its boiling down of religion to action-adventure clichés, but also for its black-and-white view of salvation, bereft of any sense of complexity or intelligence. Anyone who pays money for these books will only be dumber for it.
Now I know that a lot of people love these books and will accuse me of “religious bigotry” or some such crap, but let me just preempt that and ask them all to grow up and join the adult world. Religion does not excuse art from being viewed with a critical eye, and sometimes that eye will look upon it unfavorably. The “Left Behind” series belongs on a Jesus fan fiction Web site, not on book shelves. And speaking of Jesus, if I wanted to join a religion that worshipped a smelly hippy with bad hair, I’m sure I could find a few more accepting ones right here in Eugene. (Just kidding, Mom. I’m in church every Sunday. I swear.)
While we’re on the subject of literature, all of the following authors are not worth the trees destroyed to create their books: John Grisham, Nora Roberts, Mitch Albom, Michael Crichton, Dan Brown and Nicholas Sparks.
I think that’s about all of the vitriol I can manage for this week. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to touch on some of my other pet peeves, such as droning, pedantic jam bands or celebrity Kabbalism. But maybe another column. Right now I’m going to lay down and drink some tea.

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