Taking a page from genius essayist David Sedaris, I present a diary of the time prior to Valentine’s Day:
I really should avoid a cliché column full of cynicism about Valentine’s Day. It’s just that that stupid cupid is staring back at me every way I turn. In the words of a dear roommate: The public is so focused on keeping guns away from children, and yet here we are promoting an icon of a baby packing heat.
Today I saw a three-pack of Valentine’s Day thongs at American Eagle Outfitters. Why do you need three separate thongs in one night? And don’t give me that crap about wearing them year-round. The sales girl is no help. I was about to ask her opinion of Valentine’s Day, but I held off, as she was already on the phone with security after my interrogation involving intimate apparel.
Apparently, there is something called “Sweetest Day,” because one day to express romantic love is not enough. Now we need a “Valentine’s Day: Part Two” in October. You’d think people in relationships were just sitting around, twiddling their thumbs and nervously waiting for the next national greeting-card holiday to roll around so they can lean over and give each other a kiss.
Here’s the single male perspective: apathetic. This particular male friend of mine doesn’t care a smidgen that the big V is fast approaching. Then again, he also doesn’t care about consuming pizza that has remained un-refrigerated overnight. He’ll be spending his Feb. 14 in an enclosed space for three hours with his two most
recent crushes.
Do you remember that movie “The Truman Show”? I swear, I swear, my life is just a set-up for a reality TV show. What else can explain the sudden surge of ex-boyfriend sightings in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day? Some sadistic bastard is apparently executive director of my life.
I tried to research the history of Valentine’s Day. It proved an arduous task, as there is apparently no consensus on any plausible reason why it even exists. Was Valentine a prisoner in love with the jailer’s daughter? A priest who married lovers in secret? Groundhog Day: There’s a worthwhile holiday with a simple history.
How about we just re-christen Valentine’s Day: “I’m Single So Let’s Get High Day.”
Last week, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company introduced the Crazy For You Bear. It’s a teddy in a straitjacket. If Valentine’s Day has come to the point where stuffed animals are manufactured to look like mental patients, perhaps there is a larger point we should be looking at here. Also, why stop at a straitjacket? I’m personally holding out for Electroshock Therapy Bear. His eyes don’t just light up because of the electricity passing through his brain; they light up because he loves you!
My taken friend swears that Valentine’s Day is actually worse for people in relationships than for singles. She says expecting everything the media promise and getting an “Oh shit, it’s what day?” is worse than singledom. I’d say that at least in that situation, there’s a flesh-and-blood companion there with you. Sure, you might spend the night standing around a local Skate World and slapping your flesh-and-blood companion in the face, but at least there’s somebody there feeling your frustrated fist.
My analysis is falling on an empty room. My friend has moved onto the couch and is engaging in some
significant necking.

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