I want to seriously discuss naked male butts for a minute. Well, I don’t “want” to discuss them, but it is almost impossible for a social commentator in America not to, considering the events of the last few weeks.
FOX TV — the channel that recently aired the reality show “Who’s Your Daddy?” — rejected a Super Bowl commercial because it featured a brief cameo by Mickey Rooney’s 84-year-old bare ass. I know what you’re thinking: What’s the big deal? The less elderly cheek on television, the better, right? Perhaps.
What is troubling to me is that this censorship had everything to do with Fox covering its own exposed ass, still raw from its last Federal Communications Commission spanking of over $1 million in indecency fines. I guess we know who is FOX’s daddy.
FOX also refused to air a commercial for Joe Boxer underwear that featured a cowboy riding bareback, if you know what I mean, until the man’s rear end was blurred out, according to The Arizona Republic, despite the fact that the same ad ran on cable TV five years ago without controversy.
If these were the only examples of FOX’s paranoia, then we could pay no heed. No harm, no foul. But, as
is usually the case with paranoia, FOX’s self-censorship quickly went from understandable caution to
insane overreacting.
In a repeat episode of the brilliant and recently uncancelled animated sitcom “Family Guy,” FOX felt compelled to pixelate the naked cartoon butt of Stewie, the baby. It was a case of No Child’s Behind Left. The same episode ran on FOX without pixelation four years ago, in the pre-Janet Jackson era. FOX also pixelated the bare backside of the father, Peter, in another episode.
Naked male cartoon butts have a long and cherished history: from the shower flash of George’s nude derrière on The Jetsons to almost every other Bugs Bunny episode. In fact, most cartoon animals don’t wear pants. Even the direct-to-video cartoon Bible stories produced by Hanna-Barbera show Adam and Eve’s holy rumps. For us traditionalists, it is sad to see this cartoon staple under attack.
If you think censoring a cartoon was the most ridiculous example of butt-censorship recently, you are obviously not a fan of professional football. After scoring a touchdown against the Packers in the fourth quarter, the Vikings’ Randy Moss celebrated by pointing his ass at the Lambeau Field crowd and pretending to “moon” them. Play-by-play guy Joe Buck called the pantomime “a disgusting act,” and said, “It’s unfortunate we had it on our air live.”
Let me reiterate: Moss pretended to pull his
pants down.
ESPN refused to replay the incident on Sunday, but reconsidered the decision on Monday. “We decided on a conservative approach, taking a breath,” said ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz. “In hindsight, we decided to show it in a conservative manner, based on the story and its relevance.”
The operative word there seems to be “conservative.” Other channels, however, decided on a “crazy as a loon” approach. Channel 7 in Chicago, for example, aired the fake mooning but pixelated the entire display. That’s right. They blurred a completely clothed butt.
So there we have it — the end of the line — a finale so unfathomable that it is beyond satire. It is one of those rare moments that break the comedy cliché. This time, it would be funny if it weren’t true.
Is there a lesson to be learned from this madness? Probably not. I’ve probably completely wasted your time. But since I get paid to draw conclusions, let me offer a couple. One possible lesson is that self-censorship is far more devastating and sinister than actual censorship. I doubt the FCC would have been so cheeky as to fine FOX for a cartoon fanny. FOX, on the other hand, could justify it by saying it was just playing it safe in an unsafe environment. The worse repercussion for the station is to be made the butt of a few jokes (rim-shot, please).
The real lesson in all of this, for me anyway, is that naked male butts have way too much clout in our society. How else can we explain Leonardo DiCaprio’s Golden Globe for best drama actor? Even DiCaprio admits it. “That’s all it’s come down to. My naked butt,” he told Entertainment Weekly.
Consider the war in Iraq. It wasn’t until Americans saw the naked male butts of tortured Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib that the public outrage reached a large enough pitch to force the government to act.
And consider the current political environment. Distilled to its most basic element, the current culture war is really all about naked male butts. It is why President Bush won re-election. Conservatives must feel that removing all images of backsides from the media will somehow help bring about an end to homosexuality. Thus, they find themselves in the ridiculous position of condemning cartoon nudity. Meanwhile, those of us on the other side of the culture war find ourselves in the equally unenviable position of fighting for the right of Rooney’s naked butt.
This is a battle where even the winner loses. So I am calling for a truce. We’ll give you Rooney if you give us Stewie, and let’s call it a tie.

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