There are many ways to gauge whether two people are in love.
That first glance can be a sign, as can sweaty palms, weak knees and a
racing heart.
But nationally recognized sex educator Dr. Sol Gordon said it’s the shared laughter, companionship, friendship and trust that matters most.
“Love at first sight, sure it happens, but I would suggest to take another look. At the heart of all relationships is friendship,”
he said.
Gordon, who has appeared on “Today,” “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and “60 Minutes,” will be answering questions about loving relationships today in the EMU Ben Linder Room from 3 to 4:30 p.m.
Gordon said his lecture at the University will derive from his book, “How Can You Tell If You’re Really in Love?”
Eugene’s Planned Parenthood and the Greek Life Office are co-sponsoring Gordon’s visit. Gordon received his doctorate degree from the University of London and has taught child and family studies at Yeshiva University and Syracuse University. He has lectured throughout the United States and Europe and has written numerous books about sex, love and relationships for parents, teens and children.
“Dr. Gordon is an icon in the field of sexuality and education, and it seemed appropriate to bring him here to discuss healthy relationships among adults and teens,” said Mary Gossart, Planned Parenthood director of education and training.
Gordon said his lecture at the University will be nonjudgmental and open to anyone, whether they are currently single, married and no matter their sexual orientation.
“If a person feels themselves to be in love, they are. I don’t have the nerve to define love for anyone else,” he said. “Love is love, and it can be expressed in many different ways.”
He said he became interested in love and sex because it has become a neglected topic in today’s society.
“People are hesitant to have me talk on high school or college campuses,” he said. “The abstinence philosophy has cut any talk about sex. Sex is dirty. People say wait until you’re married and you’ll be happy, but that is not the case.”
Currently, the United States has its highest rate of single adults, with 82 million unmarried and unattached. In addition, the majority of those married before the age of 22 have the highest divorce rate, Gordon said.
“People have unreasonable expectations about the whole romantic notion,” he said. “Unless people trust each other and respect each other’s differences, no relationship will work.”
In his lecture, Gordon said he plans to focus on both friendship and “finding your own voice.” Gordon said people should focus more on friendship, intimacy and kindness, adding that to discover if a healthy relationship exists, people should ask themselves, “Do I like myself more in the presence of this person? Is my self-esteem enhanced?”
But people often ask themselves the wrong questions, he said, such as “Do I have great sex with this person? Is
there passion?”
“People base love on sex, chemistry and miracles,” Gordon said. “I once read a magazine that said there are 25 ways you can tell if you’re really in love, and it said stuff like ‘you know you’re in love when your horoscopes are the same,’ and ‘you sleep in his underwear when he is gone.’ That’s not love — that’s ludicrous.”
Gordon also advises people to not make decisions based on societal pressures from parents, friends and the media. He said people should ask themselves what they really want and should share those innermost desires with their partner.
Gordon will also be discussing immature and mature love. He said mature love is when people feel energized from the relationship and can maintain their school work, friendships and other activities. He said immature love is exhausting because people feel dependent, uncertain and the relationship interferes with their daily lives.
“If you have immature love, it is almost always true that it is time to put an end to it,” he said.
Planned Parenthood associate executive director Diane Duke said she hopes Gordon’s lecture will give young people ideas about how to build strong relationships.
“So much of the media focuses on sex and not on relationships as a whole,” she said. “Gordon encourages healthy relationships based on respect and acceptance.”
Gossart agreed and said Gordon may not be able to change lives in a single visit, but he will offer helpful advice.
“He is really just giving us some gems to think about and integrate into our lives,” she said. “Basically, it’s food for thought.”