Which is more pathetic?
The entire combined legacy of the show “American Bandstand,” or its “50th Anniversary Celebration,” staged this past Friday night to the embarrassment of the culturally sentient all across “this great country”?
And I do mean staged.
During its long, painful crawl from silly teen obsession to downright asinine national pop culture phenomenon, “American Bandstand” has come to symbolize all that is fake, sick and wrong with the music industry.
If the producers of the show were to select a mascot to symbolize its rich history, they would be forced to resurrect the dead half of Milli Vanilli.
Of course, even dead, Milli (or is it Vanilli? I never could keep them straight) would have a pulse like a thundering hydraulic pump compared to “American Bandstand” creator and emcee Dick Clark.
But it’s not like I’m saying anything particularly revolutionary here. Better men and women than I have been joking about the vampire-like quality of “America’s Eternal Teenager” ever since he resurfaced in the ’80s as Ed McMahon’s straight man on “Bloopers and Practical Jokes.”
Incidentally, has McMahon ever considered that the poisonous mold that chased he and his wife from their mansion, after strangling their pooch like Michael Myers, might actually be a hilarious gag soon to be televised to the unrestrained joy of millions?
Maybe not.
A far more likely scenario is that the mold was a form of righteous plague visited upon Big Ed’s estate by the angry God of the Old Testament for entering into a business contract with the devil.
Think I’m indulging in hyperbole?
Well, think again. Think hard. In fact, I defy you to think of a celebrity more likely to have ingested the blood of babies in an insidious plot to defy the laws of time and age.
Yet, even if Dick is innocent of that last charge, he’s still guilty of getting off scot-free during the “Payola Scandal,” while men of honor like Alan Freed were bankrupted and reduced to the stuff of gibbering ex-greaser legend. As if that isn’t bad enough, how about helping to shape a mainstream musical environment less creative than Fabio with writer’s block.
Where do you think the first “boy bands” came from? Long before “Back Sync” and “Color My New Edition on the Block,” Dick was taking young boys with no appreciable singing talent and a great head of hair, and shaping them into the teen idols of yesteryear.
You remember people like Fabian and Paul Anka, don’t you? No? What a surprise.
Dick Clark has been creating and promoting talentless one-hit-wonders more than twice as long as MTV, and if that’s something to celebrate, it could only be in America.
Speaking of celebrating, I posed a question earlier. By now you see the folly of “American Bandstand,” but what about its 50th anniversary special?
Here’s a brief synopsis, and I swear I’m not making any of this up.
After leading into a live performance — by such groups as K.C. and the Sunshine Band, Wild Honey and The Village People — with the comment that disco was one of his favorite periods in the history of music, Clark dropped the bombshell.
Capping off this incredibly special night of music would be an all-star big band, consisting of music and television legends like Sheila E, Leif Garret, The Pointer Sisters and Jerry Springer, backing Little Richard on a medley of oldie rock favorites.
Jesus wept.
And Jerry played a mean guitar.
Dick Clark may be the devil, but you have to admit, he’s got great taste.