Ten things I hate about OSU
Well, it’s Civil War time again. Usually, this is the time for the Ducks (henceforth known as “the winners”) and the Beavers (henceforth known as “roadkill”) to trade vulgar barbs at one another in the spirit of heated rivalry.
That’s not going to happen this year. Nope. I am going to write a civilized and erudite article to refute the base slander that all University of Oregon students are troglodytic Neanderthals lacking in opposable thumbs. I will prove, categorically, that we have self-control and can take a higher plane of commentary.
To that end, I am now refraining from mudslinging and backbiting.
Therefore, I’m swearing off any reminders that Oregon State University is a cow college, that you go there if you want to learn how to shear sheep and clean up emu vomit, and that you go to the University of Oregon if you want to study a subject that actually involves being able to read, write and comprehend the English language. But I won’t. That would be undignified.
I could, were I to fall into the vicious pattern of past years, point out that ducks, at least, make a sound. They go “quack.” Of course, I could mention that the beavers also, in fact, make a sound. That sound is their ill-mannered chewing with their mouths open, creating sort of a smacking noise. If I were to carry on this battle, I’d ask: Is that why people consider the Ducks to be that “mature older brother,” given that we know how to chew with our mouths closed?
But no, we aren’t going to do things like that. Nope. I would never dream of bringing up last year’s column, where Chevy — oops, Carole — Chase accused us of being so “clouded by bong resin” that we couldn’t think straight. Well, Carole, if I were playing that game, I’d point out that whether or not we are pot-smoking hippies, at least we have indoor plumbing. I’d also ask if chewing tobacco, butt-hugging Wranglers and a fondness for NASCAR are all prerequisites for enrollment at OSU. But that would be a low blow. So we aren’t going to be doing that.
No. Of course not.
I would never take issue with Chase’s assertion that beavers are “feared by the legitimate farm community.” Nein. I would never dream of saying that anyone who fears a fuzzy little vegetarian rodent can’t be seen as all that “legitimate.”
But no. I’m taking the high road. Never mind that “beaver fever” is what you get from drinking contaminated water — that it causes diarrhea, cramps, bloating and vomiting — and that it’s distinctly NOT called “duck ague.”
Never mind that one could make many suggestive jokes from the word “beaver.” What, really, can you do with “duck” other than make feeble attempts to rhyme it with that other “uck” word?
But what would be the point of bringing all that up? It would be uncivilized.
Do you see how we can have a friendly rivalry without resorting to childish namecalling?
And so, as I end this epistle — and, were we throwing barbs, offer to translate that word into monosyllabic grunts for those attending the cow college up there — I might, were I less than dignified, say that the Beavers are going to smell something “fowl” on Saturday — defeat — but we don’t need to be crass.
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Eugene is really cool
I went to the University of Oregon my freshman year. I lived in room 405 of Watson Hall. The dorm was supposed to be an “outdoor pursuits” hall, although we never did anything outside. We played indoor paintball once. We did often smoke weed. Eugene has a lot of high-quality weed. I can honestly say I’ve never seen so much homegrown in my life.
Also, we drank a bunch of beer. Not just any beer though, because Eugene is way too cool to drink normal beer. We drank the thickest, darkest and most expensive beer we could find. The best beer was $8 a six-pack, black as coffee and came out of the bottle like ketchup.
Then there’s riots. I was there, way back in the day, for the first Halloween riot in 1996. But I didn’t actually take part. I wasn’t nearly cool enough. Of course, the best part of college isn’t the partying.
We are all students to learn how to be productive and educated citizens. To show our citizenship at the University, we would engage in student activism. I noticed there are many wealthy students at the University, but fortunately they are all aware enough to still be concerned with the other peoples of the world. When they aren’t driving SUVs, they are totally recycling all their beer cans or giving 43 cents to the homeless people on 13th Avenue.
There were frequent little student protests. When Nike was employing children to make shoes for 12 cents a day, the University students came together to say it was wrong, except when Phil Knight was buying them a library or a stadium expansion.
Then we would yell at Bible Jim. He was an attention-seeking guy who was trying to sell a book. He would stand in front of the EMU and talk about how everyone is going to hell. Bible Jim would tour colleges looking for an audience. I assume he doesn’t come to OSU because people here would ignore him and move on. But in Eugene, a crowd of 200 would gather and shout back and forth with him. He gave a book to one Duck student with whom he had a vigorous discussion. The student tore the book up and shouted out to a cheering crowd. I was hoping he would set it on fire. A good book burning would have completed the irony.
In my experience in both towns, the most prominent thing I noticed is how similar they are. The classes, house parties, bars, buildings and the people themselves are very much alike. The only difference is people in Eugene have some crazy sense of entitlement and self-righteousness, even though they are just a bunch of pompous, overrated posers. Just like their football team.
Prediction for Saturday: 27-16 Beavers win.
Sanjai Tripathi is a columnist for
the Oregon State Daily Barometer.
His views do not necessarily represent
those of the Barometer or the Emerald.