Last weekend, President George W. Bush fainted and fell from a couch after choking on a pretzel while watching a football game. The president reportedly cut his face and bruised his lip when he fell to the floor and now sports an inflamed bruise on his left cheek. The Emerald editorial board felt like being conspiracy theorists this week, and created the top five “real” causes behind the pretzel debacle:
° The President is seriously ill. In August, Bush had three “sun-induced” lesions removed from his face because they were potentially cancer-causing. Now Bush has another lesion on his cheek. Is this a coincidence? We think not.
° Buddy, the Clintons’ recently-deceased First Dog, has come back to haunt the Bush family. Buddy was killed by a car Jan. 2 in New York and may have returned to the White House to wreak havoc in his old “haunting” grounds.
° Kenneth Lay, Enron Corp.’s chairman, is upset about the way the company’s scandal has been covered in the media, and is out to divert attention from himself by creating speculation about Bush’s health.
° Bush received “subliminable” messages that said punching himself would be good “strategery.”
° First Lady Laura Bush got mad because he was watching football instead of paying attention to her, and socked him.
Editor’s note: All of these conspiracies were created in good humor and are not meant to be taken seriously.
The president’s pretzel logic
Daily Emerald
January 17, 2002
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