Dear conservatives,
Stop shooting yourselves in the foot. A majority of the heartburn experienced amongst our ranks is because of our own political perspective. I suggest that we attempt to gain a different outlook on certain issues in order to ease our suffering, as it were, and possibly promote some sort of harmony between us and “them.” To assist your understanding of what I mean, here are two examples of how you can turn the issue to your favor.
Abortion
Here’s a hot political topic, and I’d venture to say most conservatives take a fairly strong stance against abortion. My friends, this needn’t be the case. All you need to do is look at abortion in a different light, and I am confident you may learn to accept, even advocate it. To begin with, abortion helps slow, if only slightly, an out-of-control population explosion. That can’t be a bad thing. Second, abortion saves us money. That’s right, money that we might otherwise be forced to give up to promiscuous and irresponsible single moms through some kind of welfare program. And speaking of promiscuous, irresponsible moms, do we really want them reproducing? I don’t! Why take the chance that they might pass on their loose morals to another generation? Let’s help nip this problem in the bud. So, to all you pro-abortion liberals out there: I’m behind you 100 percent, and I’d be happy to march with you any day of the week. And to all you ladies, I say, “Abort away!”
Tree-hugging hippies
I don’t know how many times I’ve cursed my television for broadcasting news about tree-sitters and their attempts to stop people from cutting down trees — their own trees! How arrogant and stupid these hippies are to think that they have a right to trespass on someone else’s land in an effort to “save” a single tree from becoming a textbook. Anyhow, I should have said that this used to anger me, but not anymore. Why? Well, I’ll tell you. It occurred to me that every time another hippie had planted him or herself in a tree, it meant that there was one less patchouli-wearing pot-smoker in town, and folks, that’s a good thing. The fewer of these people I have to encounter on a daily basis, the better. Also, if said hippie is sitting in a tree, that means he or she is not involved in another dope-smoking march to City Hall. Hell, we could put an end to these marches today if only more tree-huggers were truly dedicated to the cause. So, I encourage each and every tree-hugging, dirt-munching pixie out there to find a tree, get in it and stick with that bad boy. For years, if necessary! You must be vigilant and dedicated, and you have my full support!
There you have it, friends. By now I’m sure you’re catching on and have figured out how easy it is to become heartburn-free. A little shift in our perspectives will yield great results. We conservatives need not battle the liberals, we must support them and their selfdestructive ways. Start laying the foundation for a Republican future today, one in which you and yours will be the sole beneficiaries of your hard work.
Josef Dieckman is a junior history major.