As Americans well know, it’s all too easy to tune out an election — and the ASUO election is no exception. Every year, the civically conscious among us try to excite interest in this charade, and every year they are met with the same response — a resounding collective yawn.
Why is this so? Is it that college students, despite all the strident cries for social justice that echo through the hallowed halls of academe, are actually more apathetic than the rest of our listless, TV-besotted populace?
Or maybe it’s that, no matter how much we want to believe that there is indeed a democratic process at work on campus, assiduously attended to by earnest, progressive young souls, we know in fact that student representation is nothing more than a hollow farce enacted by exactly the kind of sniveling, opportunistic social climbers we would expect to run in any election, large or small. A survey of candidate interviews with the Emerald might help you decide.
Typical Candidate Attribute #1: Utter Ignorance of the Position to Which He or She Aspires.
Vincent Martorano, candidate for Senate Seat 8, one of three seats on the Athletic Department Finance Committee, is but one example of this nearly universal phenomenon. When asked what he would do with the budget surplus, he responded, “Surplus? We are projected to have a surplus in the budget?” Apparently he wasn’t aware that there is a surplus deliberately factored into the budget every year.
Rodrigo Moreno Villamar, running for Senate Seat 4, is another candidate who isn’t quite sure exactly what he’s trying to get himself into. When asked if he had read the senate rules, which describe senators’ duties, he replied, “Yes, but not with my full attention.” Well, I guess he won’t mind if we tune him out then, will he?
Typical Candidate Attribute #2 : Total Irrelevance.
Spence and Mantel are running for ASUO Executive under the Ultimate Frisbee ticket, apparently because that’s the only campus activity either of them are involved in.
Chris Sittner is running for Senate Seat 2, seemingly to exorcise some demons from his past: “I ran for a few student office positions back in grade school and middle school, but that never panned out.”
Anthony Kuchulis, running for Senate Seat 8 against the above-mentioned Martorano, has demonstrated stunning leadership ability, having, as his fraternity’s social director, the “arduous task of throwing dry parties.” As I think all of us can agree, “It is quite a bit more difficult than I had imagined.”
Typical Candidate Attribute #3: Reliance on Vagueness due to an Astonishing Absence of Vision.
Mike Martell, candidate for PFC Senate Seat 2, offers us a smorgasboard of empty phrases, ranging from “I don’t think anybody really knows” to “It’s hard to define” to “I don’t know if you can pick one out.” Way to take a stand, Mike!
On the other hand, Mena Ravassipour, running for PFC Senate Seat 2, knows exactly what she wants: “equal rights for all.” Hey, what about world peace?
Typical Candidate Attribute #4: Generalized Confusion.
Rick Reed is running for PFC Senate Seat 1. When asked how he would spend the senate surplus, he replied, “Well, I think the best way to do that is to cut costs.” I’m not an economics major, Rick, but if you can manage to spend money by saving money, more power to you!
Laura Schulthies is vying for Senate Seat 7. She makes the astoundingly astute observation that athletes “are always in all of our sports that are presented by the University.” You know, damnit, she’s right — whenever I go to a game, all I see are athletes. I ask you: Is that fair?
So there you have it, straight from the horses’ mouths for your contemplation. You might complain that I single out certain people while ignoring others who equally deserve criticism. Please don’t take the absence of mention as evidence of endorsement. This column is far too short to get to everybody; you’ll have to trust me when I say that I wanted to.