Little did I know six weeks ago when I wrote about “Joe Millionaire” that it would contend with Michael Jackson for the top spot in cultural buzz. I expected even less that I would count myself among the drooling fans.
I have pulled an about-face from my previous jaded position and attentively watched every episode. On Monday, Evan made the final choice between Sarah and Zora and exposed the lie of his false $50 million inheritance. The rage from last week’s cliffhanger slowly turned to anticipation, and by Monday I was as giddy as a dog with a doorbell.
I had grown deeply attached to Zora throughout the series. She was so good and nice and Disney. The show’s editing played an important role in my view (there was a hilarious scene where the woodland creatures practically burst into song), but she also had some inner glow — like the filling that you know lies inside a Twinkie.
But then there was Sarah, whose “rocket body” (actual Evan quote) and smoochability were blinding Evan to Zora’s reserved approach. Evan’s fixation on the feminine figure made me worry he would opt for Sarah’s quick fix.
Such a blaring dichotomy demands a wager. Lucky for me, Sports Editor Peter Hockaday is also an avid fan. The terms were set: Peter had Sarah’s back. Zora was my horse … um, girl.
Beer never tastes as sweet as when bought by a defeated peer. For that beer is no longer just a delicious malt beverage, my friends. It is liquid victory.
While drinking that sweet ambrosia, I will reflect on the fond memories beautifully edited together in the final episode. Mojo’s pogo-brows bouncing up and down like kids after too much candy. Melissa’s heavenly “Oh my god!” chorus delivered in textbook ditz-speak. Sigh.
I have to confess, I always hated that Melissa. She seemed so pretentious. I was sad she didn’t go sooner. And then on Monday, she came back to console the rejected Sarah — because nothing fills the cracks of broken heart like tar and nicotine.
Through the disappointment and spite, I believe Sarah was genuinely hurt Evan didn’t pick her. Many of the interviews with the other women suggested that they, too, didn’t care so much about the money.
“Joe Millionaire” promised to resolve the conflict between love and money. Amazingly, I think it did.
Evan kept Zora through all the cuts even though many of their dates were rocky. If Zora had any game, it was generally covered by a tank top over her swimsuit. And yet she prevailed…?
I would like to think she endeared herself in the first episode when, at the fancy-shmancy ball, she asked Evan if she had anything in her teeth. But everything played out so perfectly for her, I can envision the guiding hand of television executives pulling strings behind the scenes.
My romantic sentiments won’t permit full exploration of this theory, but when Zora played coy and acted like she would refuse Evan’s offer, it seemed so uncharacteristic. Dare I say … scripted.
We can all judge for ourselves Monday when the “aftermath” episode airs and Evan and Zora are reunited for revealing interviews. I’ll be there. I can only hope that stupid butler, Paul Hogan, isn’t. Paul Hogan is Crocodile Dundee, not some bald butterball who talks with more pauses than friggin’ Shatner.
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His views do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.