Every year when the end of November rolls around, all opinion columnists face the same challenge: How can we write a witty and heartwarming article about Thanksgiving?
Inevitably, a few columnists this week will buckle under the pressure and resort to the clichéd “what I’m thankful for” article. The only thing I’m thankful for is that I wasn’t around when the pilgrims first came to this country.
Other columnists will mix a cup of sappy with their cliché and tell the story of their most memorable Thanksgiving. It’s a classic holiday recipe that, without fail, includes all or most of the following ingredients: a cooking mistake, an argument or misunderstanding, ensuing hijinks and family reconciliation at the dinner table.
Somebody please tell all those aspiring writers out there, “Enough with the stories about Thanksgiving already! Family is what really matters. We get it.”
This brings us to the most popular subgenre of Thanksgiving-inspired columns: The anti-Thanksgiving columns. For some reason the holiday brings out the social critic in many columnists. Vegetarians (of whom I am one) write about the evils of turkey and the virtues of tofurkey, feminists write about the sexual politics of meat in our patriarchal society, animal rights activists describe the terrible living conditions and stunted emotional life of caged birds, and environmentalists point out with disgust our orgiastic celebration of overconsumption.
The best of these articles are the ones that discuss hunger and philanthropy. This is especially relevant in Oregon, which is one of the hungriest states in the nation.
A few social critics will use their columns to discuss the genocide committed against the Native Americans and question why we celebrate a holiday based solely on a completely fictionalized account of history.
Others will choose to discuss a current issue within the Native American community. The sport mascot debate is a more obvious choice, especially when the Cowboys play the Redskins on television (which, as a Washington fan, is one of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions. I love listening to John Madden discuss his turducken).
Somebody should write about the outrage that is the Bureau of Indian Affairs and its horrendous mismanagement of tribal trust funds. I will write this article one day, but not on Thanksgiving.
That is the problem with all of the above article ideas. They have all been done before. Every year it is the same tired routine. Columnists and reporters use these holidays to make sweeping reference to minority issues and then think to themselves, “Well, I don’t have to write about Native Americans till next year.” Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Black History Month work the same way.
It seems clear to me that nothing meaningful can come from a Thanksgiving column. I bet somebody has even written this smart-alecky “there is nothing to write about” article before.
So I give up. I’m taking an early Thanksgiving break. Happy holidays.
Contact the columnist at [email protected].
His opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.