On her wedding day, University junior Niki Confer envisions herself at the ocean, the sky splashed with the reds and oranges of the setting sun. She is barefoot on the beach, her beloved standing next to her with pant cuffs rolled up as they say their vows before God and the people they love.
A wedding for any couple is a momentous event, but for Confer and her partner, Chicora Martin, this wedding is especially significant. The state of Oregon does not legally recognize same-sex marriages, and even among the gay and lesbian community, couples usually have commitment ceremonies rather than weddings.
But for Confer and Martin, their celebration in August will be a wedding.
“I think everyone calls it something different,” said Martin, director of the University’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Educational Support Services. “You can call it anything, because it’s not going to be a wedding according to the state. … My partner and I choose to call it a wedding.”
Martin met Confer two years ago and proposed to her on a snowy January night last year, and she said she felt the time was right.
“We always knew that we were going to be together,” Martin said.
Confer said she also had no doubts she would say yes.
“It was amazing,” Confer said. “It was one of those moments when you don’t have questions. It was perfect.”
Martin then presented Confer with a diamond solitaire engagement ring last Christmas. The two women are now taxing over the wedding details, having to make many of the decisions other couples make. Unlike other weddings where the bulk of the planning falls on the bride, Martin said she and Confer are working as partners, and as it is not a conventional wedding, they can create a ceremony that truly suits their mood.
“The exciting part is that we don’t have to do anything specific,” Martin said. “We can make it fun and original.” She said there is less pressure to conform to societal expectations.
Still, Confer said while they have leverage in what they can do, at times it is hard to escape traditional concepts of what weddings should entail.
“Everything can be outside the box — but it’s hard to step outside the box,” she said.
The couple will mix tradition and their own unique ideas into the ceremony, which will take place at the Oregon coast. Confer plans to wear an elegant white or cream gown enveloped in a rich, dark purple shawl, but Martin has chosen not to wear a dress. She may or may not wear a tuxedo, she said. She admits jokingly that her ideal wedding outfit would be jeans and a T-shirt.
The couple will have their best friends stand up for them, but stepping away from tradition, they will not have anyone to give them away and they will read their own vows. Confer says her vows are from a greeting card she bought eight years ago when she really wanted to be in love but had not yet met the right person. In Martin, she said she has found her soulmate.
There are some challenges in planning the wedding.
“Sometimes I feel I can’t talk about it because people won’t get it,” Confer said. She said when she mentions her upcoming wedding or people see her engagement ring, many people assume she is heterosexual and her partner is male. She tries to make it clear that Martin is a woman, and she has discovered not all people are understanding about the wedding.
“There are obstacles in finding queer-friendly places,” she said. Confer says she did lose some friends when she initially started dating Martin, but she has not experienced any negativity from her family and is grateful for their encouragement.
Even in the lesbian community, the idea of having a wedding is not always accepted.
“Some people feel same-sex weddings are kind of buying into the stereotypical heterosexual wedding and all that,”
Martin said.
In addition, she feels the state has no right to prevent people who want to be
together from getting married.
She said the wedding is the perfect opportunity for them to show their dedication to one another, and to have a party.
“I think for me, it’s a great way for us to celebrate our lives together with our friends and family,” Martin said.
Confer agrees that the wedding is about her and Martin as a couple.
“My wedding is not to please anyone,” she said. Both women say it is vital to plan a wedding to fulfill a couple’s aspirations, rather than try to suit it to the whims of others.
After the wedding, the couple, who plan to have children, will adopt a common family name.
“I have feelings that if we want a strong family unit, we need to have the same name,” Confer says. She says she does not think she will call Martin her wife.
“Chicora is very much a husband in my world,” Confer said. “I feel she’s the perfect husband.”
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