Hi. My name’s Peter, and I’m officially throwing my hat in the ring for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.

Why not? I know, today the Democrats have five primaries and two caucuses, and unless we start delivering Emeralds to South Carolina I’ll be nine states behind when I start my campaign. But I figure I’ve still got a good shot.
I mean, does anybody really know anything about this Sen. John Kerry guy? No. They know he’s not Howard Dean, who, with his little post-Iowa “yee-haw!” speech, made Michael Jackson look sane. See, I crack lots of Michael Jackson jokes! Don’t you want me as your president?
Oh, believe me, there’s tons more reasons to elect Hockaday in ’04. If elected, I pledge to make NFL Sunday Ticket available to all cable subscribers, not just dish owners!
If elected, I promise to fund the creation and development of thousands more reality television shows! I’ll appoint Britney Spears to the Supreme Court and officially declare the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday!
Who wouldn’t want to live in that America?
“The case on the docket is abortion, Justice Spears, not Michael Jackson. I know you worship the man, but he allegedly molested a child, OK?”
“Hit me baby, one more time.”
Seriously, though, my only platform is a column in this newspaper, but I feel like I have just as much of a voice as any of these Democratic candidates. What I wonder is whether a vote for Kerry is really a vote for Kerry. Or is it a vote against Dean?
As you’re reading this, thousands of voters in six states are lodging their votes for Kerry, but do they really know why?
I’ll give you a little test. I’ll give you some of Kerry’s campaign issues and some of Dean’s campaign issues, and you have to choose which is which, like a blind cola taste test. Here goes:
Candidate No. 1: Wants to increase taxes to fund homeland security. Voted for the USA PATRIOT Act but now opposes the American presence in Iraq. Wants to fund education, repeal Bush’s tax cuts and cut off terrorism by rebuilding relationships with the Middle East. Supports same-sex marriage.
Candidate No. 2: Wants to increase taxes to fund social security, education and health care. Has always opposed American presence in Iraq. Wants to cut off terrorism by rebuilding relationships with the Middle East. Supports same-sex marriage.
So, basically, who cares which is which? Except for minor differences, Kerry and Dean are the same candidate! In case you really care, Kerry was No. 1 and Dean was No. 2. But when you really examine the issues, Kerry and Dean are basically Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. They’re so similar — why can’t we just like both?
So that’s why you, the American voter, should vote for me. I may not pay attention to those important “issues” like the war in Iraq and “taxes.” But I do care about the things that really matter, like football and Michael Jackson.
So remember, kiddies, don’t throw your vote away! Vote for Hockaday!