Turn on the television these days, and this is what I hear: “Atkins Atkins Atkins, carbs carbs carbs, Atkins carbs Atkins. Bud Light.”
Like many people, I’m a pushover when it comes to new fads, trends and products. So obviously, I had to try the more-popular-than-Ashton-Kutcher Atkins diet.
It lasted through lunch.
See, you think the Atkins diet is as easy as a hamburger. I figured I would just start eating more meat, cut out the bread and other carbohydrates, and drop 20 pounds by Thursday. I mean, with everybody from Carl’s Jr. to T.G.I. Friday’s offering Atkins fare, it had to be easy.
I was more wrong than Michael Jackson at a slumber party.
This was the plan. I was starting the morning after the Super Bowl. During “boobgate” I carbo-loaded on pigs-in-a-blanket, chips and dip and cookies. And plenty of beer. It wasn’t Michelob Ultra, either.
The morning after, I started the diet. Armed with my 7-Eleven Atkins pamphlet, I looked in my cupboard for something to eat for breakfast. I only had Cheerios, which have 22 grams of carbs per serving. Milk also has too many carbs.
Under “Monday,” my pamphlet recommended a smoked salmon omelet. Yeah. I’ve never even seen a smoked salmon.
So breakfast was out.
For lunch, I was on campus and headed straight for Subway. I love that Jared is now out of a job. Under Atkins, bread is pretty much outlawed. So Jared is like old fruit at the supermarket. “One Jared, half off!” Good times. By the way, fruit is another no-no when you go the Atkins route.
I ordered one of the Atkins wraps at Subway, and it wasn’t half bad. That’s the good thing about Atkins: If you do it right, you don’t have to kill your taste buds. But, even though the Subway man switched me out for a bigger wrap, I was hungry again two hours later.
By dinner, I was done with Atkins. I couldn’t find anything Atkins-friendly in my food collection, and I realized I would have to drop some money on steaks and chicken if I really wanted to be an Atkins man. That, or spend $5 a night on burgers without buns.
And when it comes to that, my motto is pretty similar to Sir Mix-a-Lot’s: “Don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.”
The point of all this is that Atkins is hard. Maybe I’m just not dedicated enough, but seriously. I need my carbs. Everything I like has carbs in it. Asking me to cut out carbs is like asking Richard Hatch of “Survivor” to put on clothes. It’s like asking OutKast to be normal. It’s just not going to happen.
When I e-mailed my beautiful big sister, Caroline, about possibly doing the Atkins diet together, she had a sage response. She said she doesn’t cut out carbs, she just cuts down on the carbs .
She’s right. I believe carbs are bad for you, but I don’t believe it’s healthy to completely cut them out of your life. It’s kind of like television. You recognize it’s bad to watch too much television, but you can’t completely axe “Average Joe “and “The OC.”
Then you’d miss the Atkins commercials.