With the recent failure of Measure 30 and the subsequent threat of massive across-the-board budget cuts to public services and education, the Emerald Editorial Board would like to humbly suggest to the Legislature some options for future tax revenues:
* Legalize prostitution — Two words: Sex sells. And when something sells, what do you do? Tax it! Surely we can all take a hint from Las Vegas and just legalize the institution. After all, Las Vegas has a whole lot of money. And we need money. Coincidence? We think not. Furthermore, because we’ll no longer be needing the public school buildings — because, surely, more days will be cut from K-12 schooling — we’ll just use them as brothels (minus the kids, of course). Five hundred bucks gets you the principal’s office; five bucks a head for the janitor’s closet (no pun intended).
* Legalize sweat shops — With minors no longer forced to spend month after month in classrooms, their true potential can finally be tapped. What better way to help improve Oregon’s economy and unemployment rate? With little Suzy sewing identifying marks on apparel items and little Johnny making microchips, we’ll ensure high-profile businesses keep pumping dollars into Oregon’s tax system.
* Eliminate police — Eliminating the police force will save us a pantload of money. We can use part of that to buy everybody a gun — even the kids. Then, it’s everybody for their own! Of course, the state will have to change that pesky law saying you can’t carry on campus. Oh, and the whole murder thing might have to be reworked a bit. But we’re positive that the idea will catch on once we all get used to dodging bullets. (And don’t forget that we can take a cue from Chris Rock and tax the bullets, too!)
* Sales tax — Hello? Duh. Everybody’s doing it. And yes, if Washington state jumped off a bridge, we’d be right behind.
* Sell the trees — Oregon has an abundance of trees, and they aren’t doing anything but standing there in the forest and taking our rainwater. What a bunch of freeloaders! We’ve gotta chop them all down and sell them for lumber. Old, new, big, small, burned — it doesn’t matter, just as long as it’s made of wood. Plus, everybody is all bent out of shape about cutting them down. Well, when they’re gone, nobody will have anything to complain about anymore. Problem solved!
* Legalize meth trafficking — Let’s face it, we’ve got plenty of meth in this state and we’re not reaping the potential benefits. Also, no major corporations can pour billions of dollars in lobbying money to keep the taxes low. Therefore, meth is practically an untapped resource for millions of revenue dollars. Hell, it’s easy to make and easy to package! There’s just no end to the possibilities.
* Total overthrow of the government; secede from the Union — Clearly a unilateral rejection of capitalism and a reversion to a feudal system of government is the best thing for Oregon. The market hasn’t given us anything but pain and suffering. We need to be ruled by a supreme overlord — we’re not going to say any names, but current Oregon Gov. Ted Kulongoski would sound a lot cooler as “Lord and Savior Kulongoski, ruler of all Oregonians” — who can bring this state back from its dire economic straits, with just a hint of classic totalitarianism.
Viva la revolución, comrades.