Now that Kerry has conceded the election, and Bush is officially our president for four more years, many liberals in Eugene are contemplating their next move. Republicans control every branch of the federal government, increasing their margins in the Senate and House; they can now easily defeat potential Democratic filibustering on court appointments and, most significantly, the Supreme Court.
The changes America will see during this upcoming “Republican Era” promise to be even more dramatic than during Bush’s first four years. The disagreements that are polarizing our country are taking place at a fundamental level, not at the level of bureaucratic nuance. Americans are split down the middle on their world views, priorities and political preferences. And, somehow, the traditionalists, the religionists and the neoconservatives have staged a complete takeover. What is left for progressives to do?
One option we’ve heard discussed on campus is political escapism. Escapists are those who are so troubled by the results of an election that they flee the influence of their government’s new direction. Left-wing escapists have traditionally moved to Canada while escapists on the right tend to form militias and attempt mini-secessions.
If you believe the Democrat’s scare tactics about the return of a draft, Canada might seem like a good option. Canada has cheap drugs, virtually no enemies and superior breeds of comedians. But there are lots of good things about America. For instance, we have amber waves of grain. It seems a shame to move to Canada and throw all that away just because of our disagreements.
One of the goals of the American experiment was to find a way for a diverse group of people to live in peace in a large geographic area. But with the population becoming more and more diverse, and the geographic area of this country now much bigger than it was when our forefathers first conceived of our republic, perhaps we should rethink some of the philosophies that underlie our government.
In that vein, the Emerald Board believes it is time for liberals to take a page from the right-wing escapist playbook and develop our own progressive militias who will fight for a sovereign nation: Lane Country. If Lane was a country, we could really get something done. We could decriminalize gay marriage, marijuana and choice. Let the Texas militias create their lawless, taxless distopia where they arm themselves to the hilt in order to protect their property. Lane Country will have a progressive tax structure, universal health care, livable wages and a clean environment.
Yet another possible, and given the current circumstances, entirely logical escapist alternative is the creation of a progressive island nation dubbed “Academia.” We believe a South Seas or Carribean isle near the equator would make an ideal geographic locale for the creation and fostering of a more perfect union based upon progressive ideals. Upon gaining citizenship, Academians will be issued a hybrid car.
You are probably thinking that secession sounds a bit extreme. After four more years
of Bush, we think you will be singing a
different tune.

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