Quacks to Seoul, South Korea’s, Hanyang University for their generous gift of $500,000 and Quacks to alumnus Dave Petrone for his generous gift of $2.5 million to the University. We now feel sorta guilty about planning to skip out on our student loans. Sorta.
Smacks to the Career Fair organizers for serving up another long buffet of tacky corporate lacky positions. We know the job market isn’t great but this is ridiculous. Fifth-year senior is sounding pretty good.
Smacks to anyone who won’t let the election die already. Analysis in the name of political science is one thing, but come on! The campaign is over, stop the spinning.
Quacks to the delightfully amusing ramblings of conspiracy theorists who warrant an exception to the above Smack. In their honor …
Smacks to the Illuminati for wiring Bush during the debates and Smacks to Nick Cage for making us afraid to park our cars at the Mason’s lodge during football games at Autzen.
Quacks to the resignation of Attorney General John Ashcroft — not that we didn’t love his big-brotheresque policies, heavy-handed destruction of states’ rights and civil liberties, crazy fundamentalist beliefs (dancing is a sin?) and nail-bitting terror warnings, but we’re happy to see him go.
Quacks to California voters for green-lighting embryonic stem cell research to the tune of $3 billion.
Smacks to California voters for rejecting a ballot measure that would have reformed their state’s uniquely harsh Three Strikes law. In general, basing criminal law on a random sports rule seems like a bad idea, even when it is America’s pasttime. But when shoplifting a candy bar can land people in prison for the rest of their lives, something needs to change.
Smacks to the Smart Truck, a new consumer tank currently under development that would be more massive than the Hummer. You heard us: three inches higher, four feet longer, 3,000 pounds heavier and even less fuel efficient. It’s the perfect small penis mobile for guys who like haulin’ shit and showing wilderness areas who’s the boss — just remember to stay within one mile of a gas station at all times.
Smacks to the man to brought a handgun into a San Francisco school and threatened students and teachers in order to rob two employees. Schools are intended to be safe havens for our children, and let’s keep them that way.
Quacks to the pilot sex education program approved in Maryland that discusses homosexuality and uses a video that shows 10th graders how to put on a condom. Let’s teach children at an early age how to be safe.
Quacks to “Law & Order” for taking on “tough guy” actor Dennis Farina as a new character. With his steel-gray hair and craggy face, how could you not love this ex-cop? What is that you say? Who is this guy? We agree.
Smacks to holiday decorations hitting shelves two months before Christmas and New Years. Heck, why not start hauling out the tree in July?
Quacks to President Bush for nominating White House counsel Alberto Gonzales to fill John Ashcroft’s attorney general post. Gonzales is a moderate, and he would be the first Hispanic attorney general.
Quacks to veterans. ‘Nuff said.

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