Prediction: Bush wins the election and liberal idealists who believed their votes could change the world will instantly grow cynical and bitter. Sweet apathy will be popular once again. Hundreds of students will decide to give up on their dreams of ethical careers and go into advertising.
Prediction: North Korea’s Kim Jong Il will be the last of the evildoers to endorse a candidate for president. He will back Ralph Nader, who will then eagerly ask the dictator for a campaign donation.
Prediction: The ASUO will break the law, again.
Prediction: Kerry will win both the popular and electoral vote, but, after consulting with Al Gore, will concede the election, at which point Howard Dean’s head will explode. In his concession speech Kerry will apologize for criticizing the president and will beg for his forgiveness. In an act of contrition, Congressional Democrats will bend over in unison during a joint meeting of the House and Senate and let the Republican’s “filibuster” them. Observers will comment that these Democrats still put up more of a fight than they did in 2000. Liberals will later blame the defeat on Ralph Nader.
Prediction: Kerry will receive zero votes in Ohio. The mainstream media will blame an “accidental” malfunction of every electronic voting machine in the state. By 10 p.m. epublican pundits will accuse angry Democrats of being “conspiracy theorists” and will tell them to “get over it.” But in a surprising moment of candor, Diebold Inc. chief executive Walden O’Dell will admit, “Yeah, we probably could have been more subtle about that one, but we decided, what the hell? It’s not like anybody can do anything about it.” The Democrats will then bend over.
Prediction: After a massive flood from a unexpected hurricane wipes out the eastern seaboard killing Bush and Kerry at their respective polling stations, Ralph Nader will win the election with help from late-voting left-coast liberals. The newspaper headline on the Nov. 3 New York Times reads: “Pigs fly, hell freezes over.”
Prediction: Kerry wins the election by a highly-contested, razor-thin margin, but is inaugurated thanks to a court decision. The nation is split down the middle. The country is still at war, and young Americans die faster and faster. Conservative think-tanks claim the economy has officially jumped the shark and begin ballyhooing the “Kerry recession.” Television anchors ask, “Does my hair look alright?” The country enters a second cold-war-like era, emerges briefly in 40 years, takes a breath and dives back into war.
Prediction: Bush wins the election by a highly-contested, razor-thin margin, but is inaugurated thanks to a court decision. The nation is split down the middle. The country is still at war, and young Americans die faster and faster. Liberal think-tanks claim the economy has officially jumped the shark and continue ballyhooing the “Bush recession.” Television anchors ask, “Do I have something in my teeth?” The country enters a second cold-war-like era, emerges briefly in 40 years, takes a breath and dives back into war.
Prediction: Bush wins the election by a highly-contested, razor-thin margin despite losing the popular vote, thanks to a Supreme Court decision. The country is highly polarized. After an uneventful first 100 days under the Bush administration the country is attacked, giving the president carte blanche to terrorize his constituents and fellow citizens with bogeyman depictions of evil terrorists while he simultaneously drags the country to war based on slip-shod evidence buttressed by fundamentalist-like zealotry in neo-conservatism. Uhhh — nevermind.

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