Groundbreaking studies are currently being conducted by U.S. scientists in an effort to find a new method of contraception for men. Researchers have discovered that injecting a certain protein will produce antibodies that render the male infertile, as long as regular shots are received. Tests are still in preliminary stages, as they currently involve monkeys rather than humans, but more research is surely on its way. How will this development in sexual health care affect sexually active heterosexuals in our nation? Let’s look at a potential timeline over the next year and find out.
January 23, 2005: Amid hype about the possibility of an easy-
to-use, effective measure of male birth control, forward-thinking
men across the country rejoice. Now they can stop soaking their
nether-regions in boiling vats of water and rely on antibodies to kill their sperm instead.
February 3: Tests on protein injections are still not complete, but the Food and Drug Administration finally puts on its reading glasses and realizes that male contraceptive pills, based on hormones and approved in Europe for some time now, are 100 percent effective. A communal “d’oh!” is released. Unfortunately, just as someone is about to remedy the situation, a whole new slew of prescription medications arrive seeking approval. Side effects could
include headache, drowsiness, addiction on par with morphine, dubious acts involving hot pepper sauce and all-expenses-paid vacations in Bermuda for our employees. “You bet we’ll spend our time testing your drug!” Endorsement of the male birth control pill is put on hold.
May 15: “Wait. You mean it’s
100 percent effective, has almost no side effects, and lets men be more responsible for their sexual health and decisions?”
June 11: Sexual health educators realize that the problem with the Just Say No campaign is that this burden of refusal almost always falls on women. Until men recognize their ability not only to create, but also to prevent a pregnancy, true responsibility may not be felt or accepted by the masculine masses.
July 3: Male birth control pill sanctioned by FDA; method based on antibody reactions not far behind.
July 10: All state governments express approval, sans Texas, which has by now instituted statewide textbooks that deny the existence of sexual intercourse all together. That’s right little Jimmy, babies come from the magical purple ferret in the sky. You don’t need to worry about “birth control.” Only sinning homosexuals need to use that!
August 19: Mary Katherine Smithe of Duluth, Minnesota, experiences an otherworldly orgasm upon her sublime realization that, for the first time, she is enjoying sex without the fear or burden of pregnancy on her shoulders. Fundamentalist groups call her realization immoral and stupid; Mary calls it sexual freedom and the result of a product and partner she can trust. Her man is interested in the equal distribution of burdens not just of child rearing, but child producing. He is willing to let go of stone-age social norms, which force women into ultimate responsibility for an act that is pretty clearly two-sided. He understands that in an age of technology wherein lamps can be clapped on and off, it’s time for men to share in contraceptive decision making and action. He knows that women deserve to someday be able to say “yes” to sex with ease and fearlessness. He also bears a striking resemblance to Johnny Depp.
November 11: All forms of male birth control are approved by the FDA. U.S. society ushers in a new era in which sexual activity is safe, protected and fun for all.

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