I don’t know Pat Robertson — not biblically anyhow — but I suspect he is going through a crisis of faith. A year ago I wrote about Robertson’s “prayer offensive” (“Supreme lunacy,” ODE, Oct. 9), where he asked God to — and I’m paraphrasing here — whack one of the Supreme Court justices.
All nine are still alive. This is after the members of the High Court legalized sodomy! You’d think somebody as close to God’s ear as Pat Robertson would have little trouble convincing Him to break the Sixth Commandment. But no. Nothing has happened. And now the curtain is closing on President Bush’s chance to install a justice that will overturn Roe v. Wade.
I can only imagine what is going on inside Robertson’s head:
Why won’t God answer my hateful prayers? I thought, at the very least, He would have struck down Justice Ruth Ginsberg by now. She’s Jewish. In the scheme of things, what is one justice’s life if it means justice for all unborn lives? Like I’ve said before, God allowed thousands to die during the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11 in order to punish mothers who have abortions, sluts like Justice O’Connor, porno-addicted pervs like that Negro boy and homosexuals like that ruggedly handsome Justice John Paul Stevens. Ahhh, Stevens, with his rock-hard pecks and rock-hard … no! Evil thoughts! Evil thoughts! Must get rid of the evil thoughts …
Robertson’s lack of pull in Heaven is our gain here on earth, for we have the extremely good fortune of watching the Rehnquist Court preside over yet another presidential election. I wonder how early they will stop the recount this year. My money is on November 1.
But before we discuss the havoc ahead, let us take a quick look back at the 2003-2004 season, which can only be described as yet another year of supreme lunacy:
Hiibel v. Nevada:
In a series of rulings involving the Fourth Amendment, the Supreme Court showed uncharacteristic consistency by basically allowing cops to do whatever they want. In the most insane of the cases, the justices ruled that any state can pass a law forcing you to give your name to the cops if asked. I guess now our Miranda rights read, “You have the right to remain silent … that is, after you incriminate yourself.”
Pennsylvania State Police
v. Suders:
This case involved a woman who was sexually harassed at work. All the justices sided with the woman, except Clarence Thomas. This one is too easy. Come up with your own joke.
Vieth v. Jubelirer:
Not ones for interfering in political contests (ahem), the justices ruled 5-4 that a Democratic challenge to a re-districting plan drawn by Pennsylvania’s Republican-controlled legislature was nonjusticiable. Too bad Election 2000 wasn’t nonjusticiable. I guess the Supreme Court cannot get involved when it might help Democrats. Then again, maybe nine people who are appointed, rather than elected, and serve for life, rather than four years, are not the best ones to be ruling on electoral issues.
McConnell v. FEC:
Not satisfied with condoning rampant gerrymandering, the Supreme Court found another way to screw up our elections. They upheld most of the McCain-Feingold Act, which is responsible for the growth in 527s. The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and we are definitely burning in political hell. By the way, did you know that Kerry fought for the Viet Cong? It’s true. I just heard it on TV.
Elk Grove Unified School District v. Newdow:
Speaking of unintended consequences, in this case the justices upheld the phrase “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance … well, sort of. They ruled that the father bringing the case on behalf of his daughter lacked standing to bring the case at all. They never tackled the Establishment Clause question at the heart of the suit, much to the disappointment of one particular justice who was eager to crush the godless atheist Newdow. (You only get one guess which justice I’m talking about. Here is a hint: His name sounds like a terrible disease.)
In their haste to sidestep and tiptoe around a case that had become a political land mine, they opened a Pandora’s Box, according to law and metaphor-mixing expert Marci Hamilton. The ruling could affect the rights of all noncustodial parents like Newdow. I’m no federalist, but even I find it disturbing that the justices would overrule the state on a question of custody rights.
There isn’t a joke here. The Supreme Court just royally screwed this one up.
A smile suddenly appears on Pat Robertson’s face. “Don’t you see?” he says. “It all makes sense. God protected the justices so they could protect the Pledge and the nation from attacks by those lousy Russian atheist commies.”
Pat, Newdow was not a communist, nor was he Russian, nor do I think that communists pose a threat to the nation any — “And if President Bush gets a second term, there will be plenty of time to knock off one of the justices. He must be preordained to win the election, just like in 2000.”
Actually Pat, I think human hands were involved in the — “Clearly, there is a divine purpose to all things.”
Sure there is Pat, sure there is.

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