With so much at stake in the coming
election, voter mobilization groups such as
Music For America, Punk Voter, No Vote Left Behind and Campus Activism have been campaigning fervently to increase voter turnout.
While I believe strongly in what these groups are doing, they are completely ignoring a much larger issue which, as a mall employee, I am painfully aware of: There are some Americans who should be aggressively discouraged to vote. I know this sounds like an extremely anti-democratic statement, but when you spend your workday selling shirts with images of dachshunds and a lewd double-entendre about the owner’s wiener on the front, it suddenly becomes very clear that sometimes democracy must be compromised in order to preserve it.
When determining who should be encouraged to vote, I realize that there are gray areas. After all, I’m sure that some of Bill O’ Reilly’s viewers just watch because they think it’s funny when he says “fair” or “objective.” In the interest of avoiding controversy, I propose that we focus on those whose votes are inarguably a clear and present danger to national security.
At Gateway Mall in Springfield there is a place where you can purchase deep-fried Twinkies. Before you are allowed to purchase one of these, a customer should have to sign a waiver relinquishing his or her right to vote. If you think that’s harsh, take a minute to think about the fact that a Twinkies is the ultimate junk food loaded with fat and sugar – essentially a butter cake filled with vanilla-flavored fat. Now consider the fact that this miniature loaf of preservatives and corn syrup is then skewered and submerged in a vat of boiling lard.
This kind of decision demonstrates the same lack of common sense that creates a market for pleated pants, and how can people who can’t even make rational decisions about what they put in or on their bodies be trusted to shape the future of America? If you still feel bad for them, just consider the fact that there is a good chance these people won’t live long enough to even see the outcome of the election.
Another sector of American society who should be strongly encouraged to just stay home and play video games on election day is the bumper sticker activists. Anyone whose political or spiritual dogma can be summed up in a catch phrase should not be allowed to vote on the color of M&M’s, let alone the leaders of the most powerful country in the world. These are the same people who throw rocks at war supporters during peace rallies, or think that they are doing God’s work by wearing a “Got Jesus?” T-shirt.
The common theme here is people who shape their beliefs on clever one-liners and knee-jerk reactions, and when you ask them if they really think the United States Army will ever hold a bake sale to buy more bombs, they just get confused and call you close-minded.
Northwesterners who drink cheap beer are another group that makes me very nervous. As a California transplant, I can’t possibly express how delighted I was to live in an area with so many good breweries. However, I quickly became horrified by the amount of PBR, Natural Ice and Milwaukee’s Best consumed by bar patrons in lieu of the delicious stouts, IPAs and porters that don’t cost much more. This may be excusable in any other part of the country, but here it is like drinking Franzia on a trip to Italy. People who would drink cheap beer in the Northwest are worse than people with poor judgment or bad taste; they are people who consciously choose an inferior product. This could very well be a major contributor to the fact that our choice in the upcoming presidential election is between boring and stupid.
Finally, I strongly believe that Tom Felton, otherwise known as the actor who played Draco Malfoy in the “Harry Potter” movies, should be restricted from participating in any American elections. I realize that Malfoy is a “fictional character,” but how could anyone so convincingly play a character as calculating and snotty as Malfoy without being pure evil in real life? I also realize that Tom Felton is not a citizen of the United States and therefore would not be able to participate in any American elections anyway, but you never know with those Slytherins.
Please take the time to consider my plea, and join me in a campaign that I believe will help restore integrity to the democratic voting system and possibly save the United States from collapsing under the weight of the poorly educated and unnaturally obese masses. I also want to remind you that if you disagree with any of this, it means that you’re wrong.

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