A series of reality television marriage shows has swept the nation in the past decade, including soul mate searches by elimination in The Bachelor, televised weddings on “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” and married celebrities in MTV’s “Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica,” featuring pop stars Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.
The exploitation of marriage in reality television may be profitable and a source of entertainment for many viewers, but it may have potentially negative influences, according to local marriage counselors and national surveys.
Diane Thurlow, a counselor at Healthy Marriage Counseling in Eugene, said the reality television marriage shows make the institution look like a game.
“It’s just fun and smiles and sex,” Thurlow said. Shows like “The Bachelor,” she said, ignore important steps in developing strong relationships. “I think they minimize the vows people make to each other when they get married.”
Although Thurlow said she believes the shows can be false in their portrayals of marriage and courtship, she does not believe they have a direct impact on the marriage rate.
“Most people want to get married anyway,” Thurlow said. “Society doesn’t do a good job of showing people that it is difficult and how to be together successfully.” She added that couples in their 30s and 40s are most likely to be influenced by the idyllic standards of reality television.
Marriage counselor Marlin Schultz said he is concerned that reality television programs don’t allow enough time for the couple to get to know each other.
“One of the highest correlations in a successful relationship is friendship,” Schultz said. According to the National Marriage Project’s 2001 “State of Our Unions” report, “The revived enthusiasm for marriage is mostly about romantic relationships and lavish weddings.”
A show like “Newlyweds,” Schultz said, can have a positive or negative influence depending on the kinds of patterns the couple portrays. The couple must model effective behavior for them to be a good example for viewers, but that would not be good for ratings, he said.
“I’d like to see couples who have long-term, stable relationships (in reality television),” Schultz said.
Donald Milhauer, another local couples counselor, said some people get caught up in hope rather than love, and when it doesn’t work out they move on.
“There’s an enormous archetypal pool for that falling-in-love state, and people get sucked into that,” he said.
Milhauer’s view is concurrent with statistics from the National Marriage Project. Its 2001 survey found that 88 percent of single men and women ages 20 to 29 believe they have a soul mate they are destined to be with, and 94 percent of never-married singles agree that when they marry, they want their spouse to be their soul mate first and foremost. The same report shows a decrease in the number of satisfied married couples.
“Marital satisfaction has declined in recent decades, despite the fact that the easy availability of divorce might be expected to reduce the number of unhappy marriages,” according to the “State of Our Unions” report. A U.S. Census report released in February 2002 said nine out of 10 people marry, but 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
Thurlow advises couples considering marriage to know the most important qualities in their partner, to learn good conflict resolution and to develop communication skills.
“These things can be learned, and divorce is not the solution,” she said.
Many couples tie the knot despite the daunting statistics, and while some are able to enjoy matrimonial reality television, others, like 23-year-old newlywed Lana Crator-Mabry, feel it’s a far cry from the real thing.
“I would hope no one would believe these shows and think that is how marriage is,” Crator-Mabry said. “Marriage is a strong bond between two people that love each other. Marriage is full of commitments and sacrifices that bring friendship, passion and adventure. Reality shows don’t portray that.”