I woke up yesterday, got dressed for work, looked in the mirror and realized I’m turning into an adult. It’s a little frightening.
In the last year, I’ve gone from jeans and T-shirts everyday to dress clothes at least a couple times a week. I actually own a purse. I’ve started brushing my hair, and on occasion I wear deodorant. I can’t remember the last time I took a day off in the middle of the week.
I’m holding down two jobs; one I’ve worked at for more than a year, and another that just might turn into a career. I got my W-2 in the mail earlier this month, and I actually put it somewhere where I’ll be able to find it when I start filling out tax forms. That’s another thing, I’m going to file taxes this year for the first time ever.
I applied to graduate in June and with the way I’m going, it seems like after that I can kiss any semblance of childhood goodbye. It’s hard.
I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff getting ready to dive into the abyss, and I don’t even have a rope. Lately, when I lie in bed at night, I almost physically have to fight off the panic. There’s a running soundtrack in my head that just keeps asking if this is what I really want to do with my life. I have this fear that I’m going to graduate, get a job, get married and never do another exciting thing in my life. It’s irrational, I know.
I also know that life is what you make of it, but … I see it everyday. People walking down the street, in a rush, with some place important to go. In our society we’re taught that’s what success is — having some important place to go. But, to me, it seems like being stuck in a rut, trapped. Most people I see that have been deemed successful by society never have time to do anything but work, or maybe that’s all they make time for. I don’t want a life like that.
When I was young, I had this dream of living someplace remote, off the grid. Somewhere where it snows in the yard in winter, but where I could grow tomatoes outdoors in the summer. I’m caught between trying to be a success and trying to live the life I’ve always dreamed about. I’m not sure how to do both, but I know that it’s possible.
I think it has to do with taking the time to meander, something I rarely do anymore. I think it means walking down the street, making eye contact and smiling at people. I think somewhere in success there is time to take personal snow days and road trips. I don’t think success means money or following the beaten path, and I don’t think success means living in contradiction to my beliefs.
There’s a job in Alaska, up on the Kenai Peninsula. I have the announcement posted on my wall above my desk at home. I’ve got my resumé and the application for it half-written, just waiting. Waiting for what, I don’t know.