Iverson and Wheeler: Two typically critical columnists converse on whether liking things is the move or if hate really can move mountains.
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Being a hater is lame

By: Braydon Iverson
I get that everyone’s a critic — I’m literally an opinion columnist. Still, why does it feel like liking things has gone out of style?

When did disliking everything become a popular personality trait? That sounds boring as hell. Being a contrarian solely for the sake of separating yourself from the pack is quite honestly pitiful. Establishing yourself and identifying as a “hater” in general has got to be the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.
I can’t imagine feeling neutral about something — or perhaps even liking something — but hating on it in public just to make sure you don’t fit in. If your disdain for things is the only discernible quality you possess, I feel sorry for you. Yes, you’re different — but also very goofy.

But don’t let me knock me off your ways, oh no, other haters like you are hyping you up! Congrats, here are your internet points. Hey, a new account with an Attack on Titan manga profile pic followed you, rad. But guess what: When people close Twitter, they go do something they enjoy. A shocking revelation, I know, but you’re missing out. They just don’t admit that because their internet friends will make fun of them.

I promise you it’s okay to like things, and better yet to admit it. I know it’s easier to say you hate something: You don’t have to explain why you do, and that’s the most fun part. You can like something for no reason, too! It’s also really fun to not defend your enjoyment of something; “I don’t know, it’s cool” is the best reason of all.

Tell someone you thought their joke was funny, write a positive movie review or tweet out a song you like. Admit you like something, even if others don’t agree. You will not die.
I’ll start, #morbiussweep.
You’re lame, dork

By: Porter Wheeler
Editor’s Note: Identifying information has been redacted by the Emerald and the offending columnist has been sacked.
Ugh I’m sorry you had to read that cuck’s drivel. They’re insufferable. Here, if you want to bully them, their number is (503) [redacted] and their address is [redacted]. Send them anything. Hi, I’m Porter. I’ve never enjoyed anything, and I’m here to play devil’s advocate.
Enjoying things is lame and shows weakness. Never be vulnerable, never hug your mother and never go near the greener grass. Happiness is for liberals and people who grew up in healthy family dynamics. I would never be caught dead enjoying or even ambiently liking something. Just seeing people enjoy things tints my vision red and sends me into a bitter, John Wick-like rage. Sure, it may be fun to build a little block tower, but it’s infinitely more fun to knock someone else’s down.
I’ll level with you; a few times have been close. One time I was watching a cute Disney movie, “Enchanbo” or something, y’know a children’s film, so that I could write a scathing IMDb review. Yet when the family sang at the end, I felt myself producing dopamine. In a fight-or-flight moment, I threw the remote through the TV. I had to go to the playground and grease the monkey bars to put myself back in the grindset.
You can’t be too mad at me, because this is just yin and yang, baby. Don’t lie, it feels good to like something when you know someone dislikes it. No light without darkness, right? Me being rude in the replies is the natural order of things.
I mean, my moronic interlocutor likes potholes and tarot cards, can you think of worse things to enjoy? I haven’t seen a combination that bad since their parents.
But I agree, #morbiussweep.