Opinion: There is no question that mustaches are back in style. There are, however, a lot of other questions: Should they be back? Why are they back? How do they make us… feel?
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Walking just about anywhere within a 5 mile radius of the EMU, students may begin to notice a common factor furrying up the faces of passing peers. That’s right, everyone: the stache is back.
Most mustache-havers are adamant they are not following a trend. They’ve been wanting the stache for a while, guys, trust me. This uptick in upper lip hair has nothing to do with that new Top Gun movie. Who even is that guy trending on TikTok?
“Everyone thought I was copying Miles Teller,” UO Alumni Nathan Webb said, “but I swear I wasn’t.”
Of course, I’m not insinuating Teller’s sweaty muscles — er, mustache — started anything revolutionary. Mustaches have long been iconic staples in style history. From military men to disco-dancers, mustaches have become key identifiers across periods of time. They have been symbols of sexuality, class and even political affiliation. They span widths, lengths and density. They have names!
One name many are familiar with is the “pornstache.” Sprung from the look of 80s pornstars, today’s most popular mustaches bear a striking resemblance to the aforementioned cheaply groomed look. They give ironic hipster meets modern cowboy. They’re sleazy and artistic –– simple yet strategic. Some would even say they’re kind of… hot?
There is slight scientific evidence to support this claim. According to the Evolution & Ecology Research Centre,facial hair “strongly influences people’s judgments of men’s socio-sexual attributes,” and women view men with facial hair as more “masculine.” Whatever that means.
Mustached-readers, let’s be real: most of you look like douchebags. But isn’t that kind of the point? Where better to be shamelessly yourself than here in Eugene? Just like mustaches, our city is known for its fun-and-free-loving spirit.
Jackson Kennon, a senior at UO, embraces the mustache’s youthful energy. “There’s a time and a place for everything,” Kennon said. “The time for a mustache? That time is college.”
While I’m all for advocating for this YOLO-approach to mustaches, there’s just something about them I don’t trust. A mustachioed face literally lacks transparency. Is it really that crazy to think there may be some ulterior motive lurking in that upper lip fuzz?
To prove my point, among the mustachioed are some of the world’s worst villains. Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Fidel Castro all have something in common, apart from, you know, being evil murderous dictators. Mustaches may also make men more confident, and I think it’s fair to say that most men’s egos are big enough as they are.
Still, it is nice to see people take some pride in their appearance. While mustaches were not long ago described as dirty and creepy, today the mustache is celebrated. Personally, I think it’s cool that a stylistic choice is being normalized to men. Women have suffered enough “encouragement” from society to focus on their appearance, and it’s time everyone else makes some aesthetic decisions. (But if you’re thinking the mustache is exclusively available to men, my Joe Exotic costume photos would prove you very wrong.)
As much as we may welcome the rise of the stache, we have to recognize its drawbacks. Mustache history is a very dark and twisted place; and no, I’m not referring to World War II again. There is one particular year where the mustache reigned supreme: 2012. In case you trauma-blocked it out, 2012 saw the mass-marketization of mustaches. They took on every form — T-shirts, foil balloons, pencil cases, you name it. Mustache merch was basically sold at street corners, in trench jackets. I even went to a mustache-themed 12th birthday party. All the guests had to wear stick-on staches.
Have you ever heard a more depressing sentence?
Beyond the valid fear of another mustache and capitalism collab, there is something else we should know about the sexy stache. Romantic partners of the mustached often suffer uniquely. Kissing people with various facial hair styles can result in skin irritation, staph infections and even herpes. (Alright, the herpes may be unrelated.)
Unfortunately for the victims of facial scrubble, the clean-shaven justice you deserve may have to wait. Mustaches seem to be multiplying, and with Movember coming up, there exists an actual good reason for them to exist.
For those considering a mustache, I learned a lot from speaking with the mustachioed individuals of Eugene. First, I learned not to open the conversation with “I mustache you a question.” It’s sadly one of those things that sounds funny in your head, but in reality is very… awkward.
More importantly, I learned that people with mustaches really like their mustaches. They make them happy. And what’s to dislike about that?
