Opinion: The university made a great decision allowing me to make suggestions.
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The university published an online form for any student, faculty or community member to suggest names for the new dorm halls replacing Walton Hall; the new halls will be ready for residents by the next academic year. Though the form is now closed, I sent in quite a few recommendations and wanted to make them public to further the discourse.

Lead Pipe Hall and Asbestos Hall

The university plans to create housing for incoming generations of scholars to rest their constantly stimulated and developing minds. After all, that much development in their brain chemistry will leave them exhausted. We must have a break from that. Graciously, former university workers pitied those tired minds and built many of the still-standing dorms with materials that will help block the brain development of young students, using materials that include asbestos.

This practice apparently stopped after 1978, so unfortunately this only encompasses a small number of the residence halls on campus that were made with this practice. Earl, Carson, Friendly, Bean, Hamilton and Barnhart may or may not contain asbestos in the walls, according to a residence hall contract in 2019. This contract does not include most of the class halls.

We need to get those numbers back up, and the construction of the new dorms for next year are a great place to get back on track by creating the dorms with asbestos-supported materials. We should be proud enough of this advancement to name the dorm after it. 

The Environmental Protection Agency might have halted this mission in 1978, but there still is no state- or national-level regulations for universities to test drinking water for lead contamination. If they won’t let us keep asbestos in the walls, we’ll keep it in our hearts and minds. Then we’ll make sure the building next door has lots of lead to even it out.

We could also go with Black Mold Hall to give it an off-campus atmosphere.

Union Hall and NASU Hall

The university currently has some bad press going around. Undergraduate student-workers are attempting to unionize and claiming EMU companies are blocking this campaign, and the budget for the Native American Student Union was just chopped in half. None of this is a good look for campus if they want to keep shelling in tuition — I mean recruiting students.

However, we have a campus full of public relations majors, and any of them would tell you an easy way to save face during controversy is to control the Google search. If the campus names the halls Union and NASU Hall and publishes about eight Around the O articles about the naming decision, that should knock a few of the articles reporting on the negative stuff down a few results on the web page. Problem solved!

(Oh, just call it) Knight Hall and (Whatever, this one’s also) Knight Hall

It was a good attempt by the university to make us students and faculty feel as though we had a say in how these dorms were going to be named, but we all know where this is going. We already have a library, a basketball court and a separate campus named after the family of the school’s largest donors. Nobody is fooled as to where this is going. Just skip the convoluted consultation and get to the point. 

Interim Hall and Applications Open Hall

We could choose names reflecting the current status of our search for a university president and simply not pick a name yet. Though we will continue to encourage community members to submit recommendations, and we thank those who have provided input into this search process for a new name, we probably won’t have names chosen by the spring. Please don’t leave.

Caspian Hall and Oregon Colors Hall

After the expansion of the Duck Store didn’t even leave local businesses a curb to be kicked to, it’s only justified we place the new dorms in their memory. Sure, Caspian was offered a space downstairs once the building is completed, but how would they afford the rent of the new location? Oh right, they’ll just take out a loan like the rest of us. 

Chevron Hall (Presented by Pepsi) and Just Do It Hall
Give the name to the university’s sponsors; it’s easy money. Just Do It Hall may be a bit of a hard sell to parents sending their children to a dorm, living outside their supervision, but just think about the money. It’s right there. It’s so much money.

Living Learning Center North-Northeast Hall and Living Learning Center South-Southeast Hall
With the new dorms being located just next door to LLC North and LLC South, and those two dorms already having the longest names of all the residence halls (entirely necessary if you ask me), the new dorms should just state their geographical location to avoid confusion. It’s harder for new students to get lost on campus if all residence halls are compass points. In fact, to guarantee clarity, I would suggest the new dorms be named N 44.04413350187144, W -123.07059115130474 Hall and N 44.04386045358091, W -123.07058657463473 Hall.

Ruth Yi Hall and Mark Riemers Hall

Name the new dorms after the real heroes in our community. Yi and Riemers deserve the honor.

Honorable Mentions

Hally McHallface Hall and Hallson O’Haller Hall, named after the hallowed hallmarks in hall-making. Bean Hall II and Bean Hall III, just because Bean Hall is already a perfect name. Loan Forgiveness Hall and Loan Grudge Hall, where incoming students will flip a coin to decide which hall and its benefits they will receive. Finally, we could just name them Bill and Frank. They look like a Bill and a Frank, those best buds.