Disclaimer: This is a part of our satirical Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
A decision made by the ASUO with collaboration with the University’s Occupy Eugene movement will change the dynamics as well as financial structure of the University forever.
At 10:27 p.m. last Wednesday, Feb. 29, ASUO Senate decided to embrace the communist structure in hope of stabilizing the ever-increasing student tuition. The decision came unanimously with the hope that the extreme measures will bring tuition down drastically, as well as invite more out-of-state students — the prime source of tuition-based funding.
“The tuition gap between the in-state students and the out-of-state students has reached its all-time high in University history,” ASUO Sen. Andrew Jacobs said after the meeting adjourned. “I mean, I’m from SoCal and I, along with my California comrades, have considered transferring in-state because the tuition will be slightly cheaper come fall term.”
Motions to transition to communism were brought before ASUO by radical Occupiers Feb. 27. As they presented their argument, senators began to see how the problem with tuition was not with the state or with the economy, but with the economic system itself. Because the Occupy movement knew more details about the corruption of capitalism, they made a decision to work with them to draft a bill, entitled “Red Bill.” The Red Bill stated that the win-lose situation capitalism provides will simply “be replaced by the win-win situation of Communism.”
In order to make the transition, student government has ordered the dissolve of the senate in place of an all-powerful dictator who will be called the “Ducktator.” Since the issue of discrimination within ASUO has already been brought to light, they were not hesitant in reserving the position for a white male. Second, they will begin to drain funding from all departments and transferring it to a private off-shore account that only the Ducktator will have access to for distribution.
“If the Ducktator controls all the money then there is no more fighting over who will receive money,” the Office of Financial Aid stated in regard to the money distribution of the now-Communist government. “When you do the math, if no department is receiving funding, then there is no need for students to pay an astronomical amount of money for their education. And after so many years of decreasing tuition, eventually college will be free. Who doesn’t like free college?”
The University is not the only school in the Pac-12 adopting what is now being referred to as “Red Fever.” USC and the University of Colorado are expected to announce their transitions to totalitarianism sometime within the next few months.