Week one is here again, and we must all contend with the pressures of college. But with some pointers and a little bit of luck, you can make it out alive. Or at least you can sustain yourself until you can sign your soul away to the devil for a little bit more time and power. I found out the hard way that you can only sell your soul once, and it was the worst bag of Doritos I’ve ever had.@@hahaha omg@@
I could write about what we all know. I could say, “Go to your classes the first week and be on time,” or “make sure to stay organized,” or “get eight hours of sleep every night” and so on. But I won’t. There’s no beating a dead horse here. No, these are my own personal secrets of surviving college for you to think on. They may not be right, but they’ve worked for me so far. Most of them revolve around the ideas of Hollywood films and deathtraps.
First on the list is Jell-O @@http://www.kraftbrands.com/jello/@@shots of anything are a bad idea. They’re quick and easy, but just as Master Yoda said, quick and easy is the path of the dark side. I once became so inebriated on Jell-O shots that I could see through time with only one eye open. I saw myself spending the rest of the day in the bathroom puking my guts out. And so it came to be.
Now that we’re on the subject of college drinking (which is what goes on in college most of the time — not that I’d advocate for the abuse of any substance), cheap is the best-worst idea you’ve ever had. If you’re going to make bad decisions, make awesome ones. Slightly more expensive booze tastes better, goes down smoother and gives you a cleaner feeling in the morning. Don’t piss off your body. Your angry neighbors win that way.
Secondly, know your limits. This means that if you’re going to wait until the last moment to do something, you better know that you can do it at the last minute. If you’re putting things together at the last minute and you’re also learning how to do it as you go, the odds that you’ll succeed start to stretch out. Sure, “the greater the risk, the greater the victory” and all that. Did James Bond decide to break out of the laser-aimed-at-his-crotch deathtrap at that exact moment? Maybe. But he knew he could do it. He does that stuff all the time. The question is: Could you do it right now without practice? I doubt it. Tasks of the moment depend on what you have in you at that moment, not what you could have in the future (see booze example above).
Thirdly, get to know the people who are teaching your classes. Most of them have done some pretty cool things outside of college. Someone once said to me, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” I believe it. They’ve been there and done that, and they have a breadth of experience to draw on that is likely much more varied and interesting than you think. And you might even get better grades if they can put a name to the face of the person that they’re giving that “D” to.
Lastly — and this ties into the above point — try and be nice to others. Politeness goes much farther than anything else. Everybody needs help now and again, and people would be more apt to help somebody with a little personality and a cordial attitude than a jerk. Which is why that dude in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” @@http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082971/@@was killed by that spike trap when he tried to screw Indy out of the gold idol. Indy could have told him, “Hey dumbass, there’s a friggin’ spike trap that’ll totally kill you right there. Go right.” But since he was a jerk — well, you get the picture.