Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
An announcement: I’m proclaiming the week of May 6th-12th Asshole Week. If you’re dealing with an asshole in your life or relationship and don’t know how to deal with it, send your inquiry to [email protected] for an extra-crisp helping of advice (though I need to give the disclaimer: it won’t be from a shrink or doctor). It’ll be a week of commiserating with others, and dealing decisively with the assholes in our lives. Let’s do it!
I think I’m in love with my best friend, but I only just realized it. She just started dating this guy, and she’s really really happy with him. And the dude’s alright, I haven’t seen anything about him that means he’s a douchebag. But I’ve been her ‘one dude friend’ forever. Why didn’t she pick me? And she’s so so wonderful. She deserves the best. And I think I could give that to her, instead of this guy. What should I tell her? —In Love By Surprise
Dude, could you think any higher of yourself? This so-called love you have for your best friend is actually a bruised ego. You want to know why your friend didn’t pick you? She just didn’t. It doesn’t matter that you were friends with her first. That doesn’t give you a head start in the race to her vagina. Nor does it mean you’d be a better partner than this dude.
I wouldn’t say a damn thing to her, Surprise. Move on. Find someone else, if you wish. But analyze your motives behind being a friend to this woman. Will you still be able to be friends with her if you happen to not be the main man in her life? Be brutal with yourself, because your answer probably reflects your attitude toward women in general.
My boyfriend has been telling all of his friends about our sex life! Like details about my body and how far we’ve gone!! I’m so so mad at him. We’ve only really been dating three weeks. Why the hell would he do this? —Pissed About The New Guy
I’m getting hot and fevered just reading this letter. New Guy, you have every right to be angry. Let’s face it: everyone tells their friends some details about their partner, especially if they’re proud of managing to seduce someone way out of their league. But your boyfriend crossed the line into objectification and using you as an object of entertainment. Not only that, he was stupid enough to do it in a way that it got back to you. He didn’t think about you in the slightest.
Dump this guy. Immediately. And while it will be tempting for you to broadcast details about his anatomy/technique/fetishes/whatever to retaliate, don’t do it. You’re the honorable one, remember? Keep it that way.
I know most guys like it when their girlfriend wears their clothes (because it’s HOT), but what if my girlfriend is wearing my clothes ALL the time? Does this mean she’s a drag king or something? Should I say something? —Stop Raiding My Closet
Hm, this is a tough one. First, you didn’t mention how frequently your girlfriend is wearing your clothes. “ALL the time” doesn’t tell if she’s wearing your clothes every time you have sex, every day, every time you go out, etc. Wearing all a guy’s clothes because you find them extremely comfortable is a different situation than if wearing them because smelling like a man gets you hot.
It sounds like your girlfriend’s just experimenting with her gender identity in general. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you! But she may end up a different girlfriend than the one you originally hooked up with. Don’t stifle her exploration, that’s an asshole move. If she ends up changing in a way that makes having a romantic relationship too difficult (which may not happen!), she’ll remember that you were kind during this time of her life and likely want to remain friends. Being the guy in a girl’s life with whom she discovered a new dimension of herself with is a pretty special role. You have nothing to lose by just letting her explore without judgment.
I’m getting kinda worried about my friend. Two weeks ago, we went to a party and got kinda drunk. I caught her making out with another girl in private. Both of them were really into it. I brought it up to her the next day, and she totally denied that it happened. Now she just refuses to talk about it at all. Could she be hiding in the closet? —Suddenly Non-Straight
She could be. Or she could just be a heterosexual who was taught that any homosexual experimentation “makes” you gay (sounds stupid, I know. But a lot of people really do think that way). But you need to respect the fact that your friend doesn’t want to talk about that night right now. It’ll drive you crazy, because you sound like a really good friend. It’s obvious that she remembers what happened. But if she is indeed in the closet, you can’t force her out. You can continue to have a wonderful friendship, so that she knows that she can come out to you if that ever happens. But if she ever comes out as not-fully-hetero, it should be on her own terms.
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Finally, one recorded incident of a university sided with the non-uptight party! On April 15th, professor Peggy Gish of Fresno State University was accused of showing a “pornographic”  film to the students in her Human Sexuality class. But the uptight prude who came forward seemed to forget that the movie actually wasn’t porn. It was a sexual instruction video, originally designed to help couples learn new techniques. The dean of the school is on Gish’s side, saying that her class is just teaching “physiological, psychological, social, cultural and developmental considerations for life-long understanding related to sexuality.” In other words, the school is saying, “Kiddo, you knew what you were getting into. Quit your bitchin’.”