Disclaimer: This is a part of our satirical Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
The Emerald reported last Friday that the Casanova Center@@http://www.goducks.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=500&ATCLID=22183@@ was undergoing a $63 million expansion. Details on what the expansion would include were slim but an anonymous tip from a source within the Phil Knight camp tells of plans to build a secret genetics lab beneath the new expansion.
The lab is the proposed ultimate solution to football recruiting woes. Oregon only had the 15th best recruiting class in the nation as ranked by Rivals.com@@http://www.addictedtoquack.com/2012/2/4/2771359/oregon-ducks-2012-recruiting-class-why-you-should-be-excited@@, despite landing Arik Armstead — a nationally touted recruit and one of the top prospect in the West.@@I don’t understand this language -PA@@ @@Hmm… Check a box score. Oh wait… -TKM@@
This left Knight “highly displeased,” the source said. He continued, “Phil’s plan is to be able to create players with the speed of De’Anthony (Thomas) and the strength of Boseko (Lokombo).”
The source credits Knight as saying, “No longer will we be restrained by Mother Nature in our quest to conquer the college football world.”@@that honestly sounds like the football team’s menstruation cycles were taken care of@@ @@lol@@
According to the leaked documents the Emerald has received, the lab is to be buried an astounding quarter of a mile underground within a hardened bunker that is apparently going to be built to withstand a 10-kiloton nuclear blast. Furthermore, the floor plans indicated that Mr. Knight would have a multilevel suite installed in the facility so he can personally monitor the progress of the subjects.
The genetics team responsible for the creation of “bigger, faster, stronger” football players is world-renowned Triple Helix Corp. According to the company website, Triple Helix “represents 22nd-century thinking in a 21st-century world.”
Triple Helix is widely known for their work in creating the world’s first unicorn by synthesizing horse and rhino DNA.@@There is a real Double Helix Corp, but it doesn’t deal with genetics so I think this joke is kosher.@@
The plans revealed intricate living quarters for the lab personnel. Amenities included an Olympic-size swimming pool, jacuzzi and bowling alley. It is said to be entirely self-sufficient with power being drawn from geothermal heat pumps, and the project even includes its own hydroponic garden for food.
Requests for comment from Phil Knight and Triple Helix Corp. were declined.