Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
Go ahead and say it: You’re glad to be back from vacation. Sure, working toward exams for eternity isn’t fun. But endless staring at the wall, endless time surfing the Internet and spending endless amounts of time with your family and high school friends? Fuck. That. Shit. Do me a favor, readers: Challenge your brain now that you’re back. Play chess. Follow a news RSS feed. Ask why someone you know believes what they do, and listen to their answers. Don’t let the brain drain continue. Remember what your horny-but-wise grandpa told you: Have sex with an idiot and you’ll be satisfied for a night. Have sex with a smart person and you’ll be satisfied having breakfast with him or her too.
Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. I’m not a counselor or doctor, but I do know plenty of dirty Internet memes.
My girlfriend’s a really girly girl, and I’m not. I really like her and I’m enjoying having her as a girlfriend. But it’s getting a bit much—I don’t want to look like one of those lesbian couples where one of us is the “guy” and one of us is the “girl.” She wears dresses and pink all the time, and I wear pants and black. That’s exactly what I want to avoid. Is there a way to avoid this from happening? —I’m Not That Guy
Not That Guy, you gotta think outside the box on this one. Sure, there have been many lesbian couples where one person is the “guy,” but unconventional gender roles hasn’t existed solely with lesbian couples. Think of how perspectives regarding straight couples have shifted over the last few years thanks to the shifting economy. A lot of guys no longer feel like the “guy” in their relationship, since their partners may have jobs when they don’t.
But there’s something both you and the guys in the example are forgetting: Thanks to the economy and various breakthroughs with gay marriage rights, there’s an enormous gaping hole where traditional gender roles used to be. All you truly have to do is be yourself, Not That Guy. It doesn’t matter at all what you end up looking like-even if you end up looking like a traditional straight couple. And if you do, you can always make fun of that fact, make it a joke within your relationship that brings you closer. 
I just started dating an overweight girl, totally sexy as hell. I don’t have a problem with her weight at all-she’s confident in herself, and just gets me so turned on like I’ve never been with a skinnier girl. But the problem isn’t her-it’s my friends. They’re all being dicks to me about dating a “fat girl,” as opposed to a skinny, “hot” one. I’m completely shocked they’re being like this. But they’re making all these fat jokes behind her back. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not going to stop seeing her, but my friends won’t stop making jokes. How do I get my friends to stop making fun of her? —Not Being A Bro
News flash, Bro: Your friends are being total assholes. Their perspectives are probably being shattered because they’ve been taught that only skinny girls are pretty or sexually satisfying. “Fat girls” are probably barely on their radar in daily life, so you’re probably slumming it in their eyes.
The best way to get them to stop making fun of your girlfriend is to simply ignore them. Ignore them and enjoy the hell out of your girlfriend. You might even be able to give the classic bro response: “Dude, I don’t care what you say. I’m getting awesome pussy.” 
I just found out something really horrifying while I was at home (thanks to my dad having too much alcohol when I was hanging out with him): My dad had an affair a few years ago. And apparently my mom found out about it later. There was a huge fight about it, but they stayed together.
I can’t see my dad the same way anymore, Nina. He doesn’t know I know, and it’s just killing me. What do I do now that I know? How can I face him again when I go home for spring break? —Not the End of the Affair
Affair, there’s a lot of time between now and spring break. Before you do anything, realize that you don’t know how you’re going to feel at that time. Let yourself be free to feel however you feel at that point.
That being said, that is a very devastating thing to find out, especially because you can’t really talk about it with anyone in your family. I suggest you find someone that you can talk about it with though, or else you’ll explode. Give yourself time to process this fully. You probably will be able to face your dad again after a space of time apart. You didn’t grow up with the image of him as an adulterer, after all. But please, take some time and talk with a counselor or an adult who’s had experience with adultery in some way. It’s a hard thing for a kid to handle at any age.
 
Okay, this is a weird one: My boyfriend just told me he has a fetish for balloons. Like balloons you find at a birthday party! He says that he would get off so much if he watched me hump a full balloon until it popped. What the hell?! What the hell is that? —No Popping, Please
It’s just a fetish, Popping. Calm the fuck down, please.
Your boyfriend probably had an early erotic experience with balloons—popping a balloon with an erection, having one pop in his face while seeing a pretty girl, etc. The fact that he wants you to hump a balloon might mean that he wants you to emulate some girl he was attracted to once upon a time. That’s a compliment Popping, not an insult! And you can absolutely warm up to the act he wants you to do at some point—you just have to start small. Try touching yourself with stretched-out condoms, then maybe smaller balloons. But above all, Popping, don’t make your boyfriend feel like a freak. His fetish is uncommon, yes, but it’s not completely unheard of. He isn’t asking you to hump a beaver while it bites your bum. This is something you can do if you train over time. And it may even expand your own sexual personality.
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Failure for the fetish community or victory for health advocates? Donna Simpson, a well-known star of the “feeder” fetish community and a Guinness world record holder for being the heaviest woman ever to give birth, has decided to lose weight. She will be leaving behind a career of fetish stardom—at one point, Simpson earned $90,000 annually from people paying to watch her eat (not to mention all the people who bought her food). What changed Simpson’s mind? Heartbreak. After breaking up with fiancee Phillippe Gouamba (who fathered the daughter she gave birth to at a record-breaking 532 lbs.), Simpson decided that it would be best to take off weight so life would be easier on her and her children. The end of an era, indeed. But you gotta love how this lady’s translating her breakup energy, at least.