Sure, “Dancing With the Stars” is an immensely popular and often compelling reality show, and yes it employs semi-celebs to bring in the ratings, but it is ultimately completely useless. None of the “stars” will go on to successful careers as ballroom dancers.
The same is true for the latest “star”-oriented reality show to hit network TV, CBS’ “Secret Talents of the Stars.”
The show is essentially a run-of-the-mill talent show where real people with mediocre talents are replaced by B-list celebrities with mediocre talents. The “stars” include “Star Trek” actor George Takei, Malcolm-Jamal Warner from “The Cosby Show,” country singer Jo Dee Messina and R&B singer Mya.
Even the judging panel is unimpressive (and formulaic). There’s the black guy (Brian McKnight), the loopy former female star (Debbie Reynolds, doing her best all-loving Paula Abdul impression), and the cranky guy (TV producer Gavin Polone).

Each contestant is given the chance to perform his or her secret “talent,” and viewers vote live for who they want to win. At the end of each episode, the two stars with the highest votes move on to the semi-finals. Sounds thrilling, right?
The premiere episode started off promising with silver-medal Olympic ice-skater Sasha Cohen trying her hand at contortionism. Her contorted human scultpture performance was awe-inspiring and actually interesting to watch. But it all got worse after that as it chronicled the pitiful attempts of Takei, country singer Clint Black and Mya.
A mere 15 minutes is dedicated to each celebrity, and while this is not enough time for viewers to connect with the stars or to start caring even a little bit, it is certainly ample time for viewers to realize how much of a train wreck some of these performances are.
It’s clear from the very start that Takei will not make a good country singer. His singing is out of tune and nerve-grating, which is only worsened by his tacky Western-style shirt and the fact that he’s singing “On the Road Again.”
Then Black tried to be a stand-up comedian. His jokes definitely could have been worse, but one has to wonder if he really wrote any of them. He never actually said they were his jokes, so he could have been rattling off one-liners devised by the show’s writers.
But what happens when one of the stars walks away the champion of “Secret Talents of the Stars”? Will Cohen really find her calling as a contortionist? Will Black abandon music to tour the country with a stand-up routine? Unlikely. It feels more like a venue for celebs to show off and prove that there’s more to them than their primary public persona.
Making the show even more useless is the fact that due to live voting, East Coast viewers are the only people allowed to vote. The West Coast version of the show airs with the constant reminder that it is “Previously recorded,” thus eliminating the illusion of fair voting.
There’s no fun in watching a show that is essentially a re-run. There has to be something better on TV Tuesday nights that audiences can watch.
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