“Speed Racer” will get undeservedly bad reviews. People will see it and remember not the amazing visual assault on their senses, but instead will remember only the feeling they got when two characters, Speed’s little brother, Spritle, and his pet chimpanzee, Chim Chim, were on the screen: pure, unbearable, pain. The existence of these two characters will erase any good feelings toward the film just like Jar-Jar Binks did to the “Star Wars” prequels.
These characters were so atrocious and so painful that it’s a wonder people didn’t throw popcorn at the screen when they were on it. And there is only one reason that they were featured in the film at all. They were a lame attempt by the Wachowski brothers (of “Matrix” and “V for Vendetta” fame) to appeal to children, along with the limiting PG rating they sought out. But certainly even children couldn’t handle them.
Speed Racer
WHAT: | If you could ignore Jar Jar Binks and like the “Star Wars” prequels, then see this piece of eye candy. If not, stay away. |
WHO: | Emile Hersch, Christina Ricci |
WHERE: | Regal Valley River Center Stadium 15 and Gateway Cinemark 17 |
RATING: | 3.5 out of 5 stars |
Perhaps an example is necessary to fully appreciate how the Wachowski brothers ruined their own film with these two characters. Speed Racer had just been offered a corporate sponsorship from Mr. Royalton, head of the massive conglomerate Royalton Industries. It is the turning point of the film as Royalton, played by a delightfully villainous Roger Allam, instructs Speed that all automobile racing is fixed and that if he turns down the offer he’ll never race again. It is a fantastic scene, perfectly scripted and well acted. And yet, for some unfathomable reason, every time there would normally be a slight lull in talking so that the actors could react, the movie instead cuts to shots of Spritle and Chim Chim pigging out on candy. So the scene in which Speed’s entire life is changed and we the viewers are informed that everything we’ve seen has been a lie, is interrupted so we can watch a kid and a monkey get a sugar high.
And that’s just one example. There are countless others. The only breaks the viewer gets from these interruptions are the racing scenes. And that’s lucky, as the racing scenes are by far the best part of the movie.
Sure, they have a certain video game quality to them. The laws of physics have clearly been abandoned in favor of visual tricks, but who cares. Realistic racing is boring; that’s why NASCAR sucks. This type of racing, where cars can bounce off each other in the air and go 500 mph up a mountain, is much more fun to watch.
And it’s also where the Wachowski brothers shine. “The Matrix” trilogy may have been unbearably stupid by the end, but it was still one of the most amazing spectacles ever filmed, and in many ways this movie surpasses it. Because this time they haven’t limited themselves, like they did in “The Matrix,” to a palette of gray with just a hint of green to lighten it up. Instead, they did things with color that have never been seen before. Others may find it tacky, but I thought that it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on film.
There are also other things to love about the film. The actors were all perfect for their roles, including Emile Hirsch as a soulful and innocent Speed, and Christina Ricci as the most perfect physical embodiment of an anime character yet.
But, tragically, these things will probably not be remembered because of Spritle and Chim Chim. Maybe some day an edited version will be released that erases their scenes. But such a thing will almost surely not happen. So, instead, we can hope for this: that the Wachowski brothers never again attempt to make a movie for children.
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