Winters in Oregon can often take on the personality of a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder. Within an hour you might see some fog, a little rain, a moment of sunbreak, more rain, possibly some hail and a few strong gusts of wind. With so much variety in the forecast, there are limitless fashion choices you can make to keep yourself warm, dry and stylish. But with great fashion power comes great fashion responsibility, so make sure you stay away from these fashion mishaps this season.
Shorts and sandals
Whether you think you have sexy legs or you just have poor circulation, wearing shorts in winter is like eating soup with a fork – it simply doesn’t work. Did the price of a pair of Levi’s skyrocket all of a sudden, or are you still clinging on to those last shreds of summer? It hurts me just looking at those frozen, purple toes; I can’t imagine how you feel.
Leather jackets
Henry Winkler just called, and he says you’re not The Fonz. Leather is warm and it lasts forever, but unless you ride on the back of a chopper and can make a jukebox play with your fist, sit on it, Potsie. Leather smells awful and looks more dated than a Wu-Tang Clan music video. Painting and studding your leather isn’t cool, either, unless you’re a squatter punk or a 15-year-old kid.
UGG boots
In my 10 terms attending this University I have yet to receive an explanation why the boots with the fur have become such a staple of closets everywhere. Coupled with North Face jackets and Juicy Couture handbags, it’s hard to walk through 10 feet of campus without tripping over a pair of these atrocities. They’re comfortable? Yeah, so are tennis shoes. They’re warm? Sure, so are heavy socks. They look good? No, they don’t.
Keffiyehs
The worst hipster trend since indie rock and the borough of Brooklyn. Something about dressing up like Yassir Arafat just screams “trying too hard.”
Capes
Apparently there’s some vampire trend going on? It’s fine if you want to read vampire romance novels and watch vampire romance shows on HBO, but you should probably leave it at that because, you know, we’re all adults now. As Paul Rudd put it in “Role Models,” “People tend to avoid people in capes.”
Big, puffy jacket vests
The fashion sensibility of a heavy winter coat without any of the function. What about these makes sense? Do your arms get too hot in long sleeves? I guess they work great if you’re going for the life jacket look of Burt Reynolds in “Deliverance.”
Kilts
Wearing a kilt in the winter takes balls – or maybe it just freezes them. I don’t know what dudes wear under this Scottish garment, but it has to be something if they have any intent of procreating at some point in the future.
Goofy hats
Bowler hats, top hats and Sherlock Holmes hats – if you want to wear a fedora like Frank Sinatra then you have to write “Strangers in the Night” first. Just throw on a ball cap, ya goofball.
Your clothes from the day before
A more subtle fashion faux pas, and one that the author of this article is often guilty of committing. Heavy jackets and sweatshirts are expensive, taking showers and doing laundry is time-consuming, but slapping on the same shirt and shorts from yesterday and dawning the same jeans and jacket for a month straight is just gross.
Christmas-themed apparel
It’s not like there aren’t enough holiday reminders everywhere you look – do you have to show your Christmas spirit on your back, too? I don’t care how long you’ve waited to wear that cute snowflake top from The Gap or how much time your grandma put into knitting that sweater; a line on the holidays has to be drawn somewhere.
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