When a person experiences a loss, a close friend’s first response might be to limit contact with the friend, avoid conversation about the departed family member or treat the friend with deference.
But University psychologists and officials said these are just a few of the myths associated with grief. The University Counseling Center handles situations ranging from break-ups to divorced parents. But they mobilize differently in sudden situations such as the Feb. 9 death of 19-year-old freshman Jill Dieringer.
Ron Miyaguchi, a psychologist with the University Counseling Center, said the University deals with individuals experiencing grief on different levels. When Dieringer died from meningococcal disease, University counselors and psychologists held discussion groups to get a handle on grieving students’ thoughts and expectations, especially those who lived with Dieringer in her residence hall, those who were in her sorority or anyone who shared a class with her.
Shannon Curnutte, the resident assistant in Cloran Hall where Dieringer lived, said she is still grieving over Dieringer’s death and didn’t want to comment.
“We have an understanding of the way the world works,” Miyaguchi said. “The loss of someone very dear to us generates different responses — denial, numbness or shock — trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.”
“All those different feelings are frequent of a person trying to cope with a senseless event,” he said.
Miyaguchi said the pressure level of an individual experiencing grief varies with the intensity level of the situation. Seeking professional help is not necessarily better than discussing problems with friends and family, he said. But the chance to talk to a certified psychologist offers information, analysis and advice.
In bereavement group situations, Miyaguchi said the main focus is to make sure the members support each other. He said members in group sessions can receive the education they need to understand what they are experiencing emotionally and mentally as well as what to expect in the future. Miyaguchi said reactions such as anger often surface some time after an incident has occurred.
Feelings about Dieringer’s death were stirred up again Wednesday at Hayward Field during her memorial service.”If the student had an opportunity to deal with their feelings either through the groups we offered or with friends, they will probably be able to handle the feelings that [came] up at the memorial,” Miyaguchi said. Miyaguchi classified traumatic situations he deals with as either random or predictable. He said predictable incidents include long-term illnesses that individuals have more preparation time to handle. But with situations such as car accidents and unexpected deaths, Miyaguchi said people experience more shock because of the rapid nature of the incident.
Sheryl Eyster, assistant dean in the Office of Student Life, said the office is continuing to work with students who want additional support following Dieringer’s death. She said the goal is to help students become more comfortable with the unique nature of how Dieringer died and the emotions that followed.
“Everyone experiences grief differently and goes through that journey differently,” Eyster said.
Jon Davies, a psychologist with the Counseling Center, added that people also experience fears about their own mortality.
“When loss happens, it brings up a string of other losses,” Davies said. “The idea isn’t for me to provide the answers, but to allow people to express the feelings they are having.”
After someone close to them dies, Davies recommended that people on the “emotional roller coaster” talk about the loss of a loved one and be supportive of each other. He said professional help is an option for people who may be suicidal, experience continual impairment at work or have no support base to talk with friends and family about their problems.
“The greatest fallacy about grief is that people should be over it sooner than necessary,” Davies said. “People should take whatever time it takes to get over the grief. People should grieve at their own pace.”