Hit me, baby, one more time. The National Hockey League starts play today, and I’m as giddy as a guy sucking helium from a balloon. I’m happier than a hammerhead in a kiddie pool. Somebody bring me down from this icy cloud.
Put me in the penalty box — I’m high-sticking myself with glee.
The NHL has the shortest offseason after the longest postseason in all of sports. This is because the NHL is tougher than you and your football.
It’s tougher than your pansy-faced basketball. Sixteen-game schedules are for wussies.
So, while the Las Vegas bookies churn out odds of winning the cup, I ask you one question. What are the odds of getting you to tune into ESPN once this season for a Flyers-Penguins matchup? Or Avalanche-Stars? Give me two games, and I will give you addiction. Give me one playoff contest, like the five-overtime game between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh I sat through two years ago, and I will give you addiction.
One playoff hockey game, and you’ll be hooked like a Vegas gambler.
Time to double down.

Eastern Conference:

Atlantic Division
1: New Jersey Devils — Poor Mario Lemieux. The most beloved hockey player comes out of retirement, and he has those damn Devils to deal with. New Jersey will continue its recent dominance with Scott Stevens’s’ ouch-that-hurt hits, Scott Gomez’s’ fleet skating and the most dominating offensive line in hockey (Jason Arnott, Petr Sykora and Patrick Elias). Oh yeah, the Devils also have one of the best goalies in hockey, Martin Brodeur.
2: Pittsburgh Penguins 3: Philadelphia Flyers 4: New York Rangers 5: New York Islanders

Northeast Division
1: Toronto Maple Leafs — Canada’s best team could have a tough time staving off Canada’s other good team — the Ottowa Senators — for the division title. The Leafs stole Alexander Mogilny from the Devils, and he could revive a lifeless offense. An aging Curtis Joseph remains the mainstay in Toronto’s net after a strong postseason last year.
2: Ottowa Senators 3: Buffalo Sabres 4: Montreal Canadians 5: Boston Bruins

Southeast Division
1: Washington Capitals — Jagr. Jaromir Jagr. Those double J’s should spell victory for the Capitals, as Washington picked up the greatest offensive player of the ’90s from the Penguins this offseason. The Caps had the best record in the Eastern Conference last regular season, but Jagr will put Washington over the playoff hump. Jagr’s Pens knocked off the No. 1 seed Capitals in the first round last year. It won’t happen again.
2: Carolina Hurricanes 3: Florida Panthers 4: Tampa Bay Lightning 5: Atlanta Thrashers

Western Conference:
Pacific Division
1: Dallas Stars — The Stars, cup champions three seasons ago, went shopping this offseason. They sold Brett Hull but bought depth with Pierre Turgeon, Donald Audette, Valeri Kamensky, Jyrki Lumme and Pat Verbeek. Now Dallas has those players to add to a star-studded roster that includes Mike Modano, Derian Hatcher, Joe Nieuwendyk, Sergei Zubov and goalkeeper Ed Belfour. The result of that equation? Playoffs. Deep.
2: San Jose Sharks 3: Phoenix Coyotes 4: Los Angeles Kings 5: Anaheim Mighty Ducks

Central Division
1: Detroit Red Wings — Hockeytown’s darlings are aging fast, so the Wings went out and added more age with 37-year-old Brett Hull and 36-year-old Dominik “The Dominator” Hasek. But those two players, coupled with offensive stars Steve Yzerman, Sergei Federov and Brendan Shanahan, have one more run at Lord Stanley left in them.
2: St. Louis Blues 3: Nashville Predators 4: Columbus Blue Jackets 5: Chicago Blackhawks

Northwest Division
1: Colorado Avalanche. The Avs won the cup last year and promptly signed their best three players — Joe Sakic, Rob Blake and Patrick Roy — to long-term contracts after the season. But a defensive spark left with Ray Bourque, and a key offensive spark may be dim in Peter Forsberg, who will start the season on the bench. Colorado still has depth and talent, and should contend deep into the playoffs.
2: Edmonton Oilers 3: Calgary Flames 4: Vancouver Canucks 5: Minnesota Wild

Playoffs
Eastern Conference quarterfinals: Devils def. Rangers 4-3, Capitals def. Hurricanes 4-0, Penguins def. Senators 4-2, Flyers def. Maple Leafs 4-2.
Semifinals: Devils def. Capitals 4-3, Flyers def. Penguins 4-3.
Finals: Devils def. Flyers 4-2.
Western Conference quarterfinals: Stars def. Kings 4-2, Red Wings def. Coyotes 4-0, Avalanche def. Sharks 4-1, Oilers def. Blues 4-3.
Semifinals: Red Wings def. Stars 4-2, Avalanche def. Oilers 4-1.
Finals: Red Wings def. Avalanche 4-3.
Stanley Cup Finals: Red Wings def. Devils 4-3.
Split the aces and drop the puck, because tonight is hockey night in America once more. Finally.