Harry Potter is evil. That damned British kid has stolen my eternal soul with his humorous and adventurous antics. I swear, there is magic in those books. J.K. Rowling has bewitched the better part of the public, myself included, into loving those books. You can’t help it.
After much hard time spent resisting the Potter Phenomenon, I was forced into reading the first book for my Teen and Children’s Literature class spring term 2001 (it’s only offered in the spring). I read the whole book in one sitting. I tell you, it’s a drug. Once you start, you yearn for more. More! I couldn’t wait to spend hours discussing the finer points of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” with my classmates — many of whom were already obsessed. I recently confronted the English teacher of that class, Betsy Wheeler, to see if she has guilt for giving me this affliction. She only quoted a graffiti artist, saying, “If art is a crime, may God forgive me.”
As soon as the summer rolled around, I read the other three books as fast as I could get my tainted hands on them. The stagnant times spent waiting for books to return to the library were horrible. I felt like Ewan McGregor trying to kick heroin in “Trainspotting.” But I was committed to not buying the books myself. It was the only thing keeping me from completely losing control.
But now, I’m done with the lot of them, and I’m foaming at the mouth at the prospect of the first movie coming out Nov. 16. Watching the preview before movies, I delight in knowing exactly where the fragmented bits of film fit in the story. I can’t wait to see Harry take flight on his Nimbus 2000* in the Quidditch* match versus Slytherin*. And John Cleese is playing Nearly Headless Nick, the Gryffindor* ghost!
The movie is just a placebo, though: It’s nothing new, just a confirmation of what I already know. And, though it pains me to admit it, there is no way that the movie can live up to the expectations people have of it. Not that I won’t be there opening day.
The fifth book is the real fix. I need it so bad that I will have to wade through ankle-biters to buy it at midnight the day it comes out. Then I will be lost forever. But there is no date set for it’s release. Apparently, Rowling enjoys torturing me and the other Potter slaves out there by taking her sweet-ass time!
The only saving grace is that I’m not as crazy as other people — but what does that mean about them? I took an extensive quiz to test my Harry Potter obsession at http://www.fuuko.com/hpquiz.html, and I came away with a 17 percent score: “Part-Time Potter Fan — You probably have a real life.” Woo hoo!
Some of the 100 questions in this quiz were just plain sick! My favorite (if you call it that) was: “Have you read the books to your unborn child so that they’ll become addicted young?” People do this. The creator of the quiz tested at 81 percent obsessed.
And it’s not just people — it’s the commercial industry. Besides the horrid merchandise and the card game and the spin-off books, a Harry Potter video game is in the works for Game Boy and PlayStation. A special edition of Harry Potter LEGO figures is coming, for God’s sake. Can you imagine? Little, yellow conical heads with tiny scars* painted on them!
If you have managed to stay away from Harry Potter, I would like to tell you to keep doing it … but I can’t. They’re too good not to read. It would be like not watching “The Simpsons.”
We’re all doomed.
Glossary:
*Nimbus 2000: The top-of-the-line flying broomstick (very expensive).
*Quidditch: A wizard sport where people fly around on broomsticks attempting to score points with various flying balls.
*Slytherin: One of the four houses at Hogwarts school for wizards. They are all nasty brats.
*Gryffindor: Another of the four houses (the one that Harry is in). They are the good guys.
*Scar: Harry received a prominent scar when, as a baby; he defeated the most powerful evil wizard in the land.
Mason West is a Pulse reporter for the Oregon Daily Emerald. His opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald. He can be reached at [email protected].