All over campus you can see the signs that another year is drawing to a close. The freshmen look panicked at the thought of having another round of exams. The sophomores are just now realizing that maybe they should attend those last few weeks of classes to make sure they don’t fail. The juniors look depressed that they have another year of this ahead of them. The seniors, especially those seniors completing their fifth or sixth years, have that look of total apathy.
So here I present to you the top nine ways to recognize a graduating senior.
1. Seniors can be recognized by their lighter backpacks. Many seniors have given up carrying all of their books and notebooks with them. Some have even converted to the “one notebook is good enough for all of my classes” style of learning.
2. In smaller classes and labs, seniors can often be recognized by their listless posture and inability to rouse themselves to participation. Aimless rearranging of lab supplies is a sure sign of senioritis.
3. Seniors can often be found out at bars during the week, toasting to the fact that they have an exam the next day. Let’s listen in on a typical exchange between a graduating senior and another student.
Graduating senior to non-graduating friend: “Hey what’s going on tonight? Wanna go to the Plaza?”
Non-graduating friend: “It’s Tuesday.”
Graduating senior: “I know, that’s when all the good drink specials happen!”
Non-graduating friend: “But I have an exam on Thursday.”
Graduating senior: “I have one tomorrow, but it’s not stopping me.”
Non-graduating friend: “No thanks.”
Graduating senior: “Wuss.”
4. Over in engineering, graduating seniors have another distinguishing feature: the weirdly formed grin of terror. This particular trait, while not unique to engineering students, does seem to be more predominant in this species. The cause seems to be the fear that results from not yet having a job to start immediately after graduation. The grin of terror is particularly easy to spot this year in light of the declining economy. To observe the grin of terror, simply ask a graduating engineer: “So, what are you doing after graduation?” The grin should appear instantly.
5. Graduating seniors are also highly recognizable through their unique speech patterns. They use an unusual number of place names, for example: “Well, I sure don’t want to stay [here]. I’m thinking Portland, San Francisco, maybe Seattle.”
This can also be observed in the graduating senior who is looking for graduate schools. “I got into Boston and George Washington, but I really want to go to American. I haven’t heard from them yet.” The uninitiated are usually left to nod wisely as though they care about these topics.
6. The graduating senior also displays a highly developed ability to justify his or her actions. Mottos like “C’s get degrees” and “Here we go, two-point-O” are just some of the ways graduating seniors justify hanging out, skipping classes and going to bars during the week.
7. Graduating seniors may also be discovered through careful analysis of schedules. Graduating seniors take an unusual number of “easy classes” like physical education electives and 100-level lectures with 300 or more students. “Yeah, I’m taking the last class I needed for my major, Music Appreciation 101, Ballroom Dancing and Anthropology 104 — ’cause I needed an ethnic-studies class.”
8. Right now graduating seniors can be found if one waits patiently in the [bookstore]. When a graduating senior passes the newly released stack of Fall 2001 [Schedules], he will usually slow down a little, look at the pile and smile happily (and not a little smugly) to himself.
9. A very specific species of graduating senior can be distinguished by their complete inability to write about anything of substance in the opinion section.