Paul Allen, I feel you bro. Although, honestly, my problem is more significant than yours.
Allen, owner of the Portland Trail Blazers, is searching for prospective buyers because the team will cost him an estimated $100 million over the next three years. That kind of money is crazy talk, but let me put everything in perspective.
I need a sugar momma.
Not because I am going to lose $100 million dollars in the upcoming years, but because I just don’t make enough money to support myself and pay my school bill.
Because I am working toward bettering myself and my future rather than paying a bunch of misfits to shoot hoops and lose games, someone should pay for me to stop losing money. And I can give back, too.
Former Blazers’ guard Terry Porter is interested in buying the team. In my situation, a former girlfriend of mine is trying to buy my services. Like I always say, “Once you go Miller, the rest are only gonna be fillers.”
In all seriousness, I can offer some advantages to sugars who are interested. First, I’m in my early 20s, so you could say I’m in the prime of my life. Second, I have a passion for sports so you would have someone to watch all those ball games with. And last but not least, I am appreciative of the money I receive. Unlike a few Blazers who vent through the media, I think it is important for us to talk things out. One on one.
Speaking of one on one, I love basketball so I’d be up for playing around – on the court.
I know that a lot of people are uncomfortable with talk about love, so there is no easy transition. I’ll just dive right in.
I believe that loving your sugar momma is wrong. Sorry. You and she can be hurt severely and there should be rules from the start so I came up with three important guidelines.
One, you will be paying for my school, car, clothes, food and all other bills. Not my heart. That just cannot be sold. I don’t even care if you are 5-foot-5 with brown eyes and perfect thighs.
Two, if you call my phone and say, “Geez, Shawn, what the heck? Why don’t you pick up the phone? Are you with those hoochies? You better not be, ’cause if you are I’m gonna choke a bitc…,” be prepared to not get a call back. I don’t have to answer to you girl. I am my own man, and if you can’t trust me, then I guess you should stick to signing the checks and keep your opinion to yourself.
Third, I love to dance so you’d better get down often. Dancing is so thrilling when the wind blows through your hair and the spotlight shines brightly into your eyes; it is something so magical not even Disney could capture it.
Allen, if you played by my rules maybe you wouldn’t be in such a predicament.
For all you women interested in getting into the sugar momma business, if you like to keep your mouth shut and kick it on the dance floor, give me a holla. Sugar daddies need not apply.

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