A grave concern has recently been brought to my attention – one that, if unaddressed, could have dire consequences for the University. Diversity, or lack thereof, is sapping the cultural growth of students and making the once-peaceful halls of Oregon a perpetual battleground. Indeed, straight Caucasian-American males are being underrepresented, frightened, misunderstood, and, most importantly, not pandered to on a daily basis. Straight Caucasian males are slandered and marginalized as demons and heretics. Horror stories of witch hunts for the straightest, Caucasianest, and manliest haunt the halls of this once-fine campus. This, by all accounts, is an atrocity. But, such injustice does not have to continue. I’ve drafted a plan of action, which would cost a mere $10 million and solve perhaps all the University’s, if not the world’s, problems. Its immediate incorporation is imperative.
I. Get the Geography Straight: The first aim of my program would simply be to offer classes. The main function of these classes would be to determine exactly where Caucasia is located. Secondary in aims, would be the study of Caucasian history. By studying the historic roots of Caucasians, the University will help instill the self-worth and pride lacking in our disenfranchised Caucasian youth. Additionally, a whole major should be dedicated to Caucasian studies, regardless of the costs. This will increase the enrollment of Caucasians and more importantly Caucasian males. Various studies have proved that Caucasian male enrollment depends entirely on offering courses that pander to them and not the prevalence of accredited departments, such as the Lundquist School of Business or the incredible Philosophy department (which, I might add, has a excellent track record of studying the works of rich Caucasian males, entirely by their of choosing of course). Likewise, college affordability does not factor significantly in enrollment; offer these courses, and they shall come.
II. Legitimize Ron Jeremy as a Guest Speaker: In addressing the straight aspect of my program, I demand that the University offer a straight studies major. Despite the fact that the University doesn’t even have a human sexuality department, a straight studies major shall be necessary for the future development of campus culture.
III. Incubate and Encourage Manliness: Most importantly, a major, idolizing and understanding the often-feared phallus and celebrating masculinity, must be incorporated for this plan to work smoothly. Subject matter would include proper beer bonging etiquette, analysis of Miller Lite Man law and weight lifting. This would certainly increase male enrollment of any race,
but, more importantly, straight Caucasian male enrollment.
IV. Coercion is the Sincerest form of Seriousness: Simply offering these majors, and subsequent courses, will not be enough to ensure that all straight Caucasian males on this campus feel understood and safe. It is necessary for all students to have a basic straight Caucasian competency level. Thus, the humanistic approaches requirement for BS majors should be henceforth scrapped in favor of a Male, Straight and Caucasian studies requirement. Likewise, the sciences requirement for BA majors should be scrapped for the same requirement.
V. Absurd Call for Resignation: If these demands are not fully met by the University within a decent timeframe, clearly our Academic Administration is inept. This reflects on our human-rights-abusing University President Dave Frohnmayer. Despite the hilarity of his innuendo, (whether it was intentional or not) questioning Bill O’Reilly’s use of hands while abusing the First Amendment, Frohnmayer has repeatedly proven his malevolence toward the straight Caucasian male; this incident is only one of the many examples. Demands for this program should be met in a timely fashion, or outcries for Frohnmayer’s resignation should ring throughout the halls.
Ryan Arthur Vann is a University
student as well as proud-yet-frightened straight Caucasian male