Ladies and gentlemen, because of overwhelming support and interest, I hereby announce my candidacy for president.
No, not president of the ASUO – president of the U.S. of A., land of the free and home of the brave, with its purple mountains’ majesty and amber waves of grain, undulating like the golden-rod harvest of liberty.
Sure, I’m not 35 years old, so some of you older Americans might counter my run for presidency on so-called “Constitutional” grounds. But this is a clear example of “ageism.” Do not judge me based on my youthful vigor or my sprightly gait, for I am not so different from you. If you kick me in the groin, do I not keel over into a fetal position? If you cut me, do I not bleed?
Answer: Of course, but I bleed the red, white and blue. And as a hemophiliac, I don’t stop; I just keep gushing liberty out of my open wound of freedom. I really need to get that checked out by a doctor, but I’m sure he’d simply tell me that I’m suffering from a severe case of patriotism, and it’s highly contagious.
I am a politician. As a politician, I will work to represent your voice. Not only will I do that, I will work to represent other people’s voices – people who hold views diametrically opposite of yours.
I take the tough stands on the difficult issues: Pre-birth preemptive fetal euthanasia? Sure, why not? International interventionist engagements? Sure, why not? In fact, my campaign slogan is genius in its simplicity: “Vote Tyler? Sure, why not?”
Personally, I am sick of these other candidates with their slick double-talk and fancy-pants campaign buses, walking around like they are the cocks of the walk.
Hillary Clinton: Vote Clinton if you want to see more feminine hygiene commercials on TV.
Barrack Obama: Vote Obama if you want a Hussein in the Whitehouse.
Mitt Romney: Two and a half words – Joseph. Smith. Jr.
Rudolph Giuliani: Vote Giuliani if you want a cross-dressing, mistress-having dandy in the White House.
John McCain: Vote McCain if you want to live in a nightmarish world of paranoia a la the film “Jacob’s Ladder.”
Dennis Kucinich: Vote Kucinich if you fear his magical troll powers.
What I support: babies, rainbows, puppies, women (except for Hillary Clinton), minorities, old people, young people, low taxes, government spending, international intervention, peace, babies, law enforcement, schools, law enforcement in schools, free speech, restrictions on sex in the media, and babies.
What I don’t support: special interests, the King of England, Magical Realists (I’m looking at you, Gabriel García Márquez), sex in the media, violence in the media, liberals in the media, conservatives in the media, people who make more than $100,000 a year, people who make less than $30,000 a year, and the media.
Running for president means being everything to everybody. I will promise the sky, the moon, the stars, if it means getting your vote. During this election, my opponents will fling a lot of mud my way, accusing me of many terrible crimes. But if there is one thing I’m guilty of, it’s caring too much about people.
Ask not what you can do for your country – ask what your country can do for you. Answer: Everything. If you elect me, I promise that I will get the government to solve all of your problems. I will cure all your problems, including the most pressing concern of our generation: halitosis.
If you see me walking down the street, draped in the American flag, my stuffed eagle “baldy” on my shoulder, you’ll know that I care. If Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln made sweet, sweet love, I would be the offspring. I am, after all, a politician. Vote for me for a better America.
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