Dear administrators,
Here are a few things I think would make the University of Oregon a better place.
I was going to suggest replacing all graduate teaching fellows with orangutans, chimpanzees and gorillas, but then I realized that we would have to educate these fellow primates and that they may try to take over the world from humans. Thus, I suggest investing in to a Department of Robotics, with the sole duty of building robots to replace graduate teaching fellows – if it ever came to it, we could easily destroy the robots.
We all know that robots do not make mistakes and humans do. To say GTFs make mistakes is like calling Prince Lucien Campbell Hall ugly. Students should not have to pay for classes in which their grades are decided by middle-of-the-line educators unable to grade objectively and who are too inexperienced to include personality and/or creativity into their lesson plans. These educational blunders do not run system-wide; some GTFs benefit the campus. The beauty of a robotic teaching fellows (RTFs) system, however, is that the more didactic graduates could be analyzed and used as models for the RTFs, weeding out the poor performances in the current system.
Secondly, dip in to the Office of Student Life funds to create a weekly prize for the best mustache on campus. The lack of stylish and authoritative mustaches on campus is a weakness in the University’s agenda to set an unambiguous goal and honestly follow through with the process in an efficient and confidant manner. It’s been scientifically proven that mustaches are good for society, I think. This may sound like a sexist plan, as women cannot generally produce the same level of soup strainers as men. But women would be the brains behind the operation, surveying the environment and predicting the next great mustache. A woman could chose to team with one man, trying to perfect the Pushbroom mustache (Ned Flanders’ mustache) for that individual.
Promoting the rise of mustache popularity on campus would create some sweet ‘staches. Not only would the University be known as the leading manufacturer and progressive thinkers in the area of nose neighbors, but the high quality of life and professional nature attributed to a weekly mustache competition would certainly seep into myriad programs, departments and objectives at the University. The RTFs would, of course, be allowed to participate with their robot mustaches.
Finally, it would be a good investment to buy a 30-ring big top tent that covers the entire campus. Let’s face it; this place is a bearded lady and a pair of wolfboys away from being a full-fledged circus. There is certainly an abundance of clowns, trained animals, ring leaders and acrobats, but the current University environment forces these people to disguise themselves as upstanding students, professors and administrators. I think the presence of hilariously small cars, human oddities and people being shot from cannons would do wonders – in addition to the robots. Attendance rates would skyrocket if professors started every class by taming a lion. I know that I would listen with a keener ear and would have more respect for the professor if he did this.
The budget shortfalls that are University wide could be alleviated by a full-fledged circus on campus. Certain programs would be unnecessary and could be cut, such as the Office of Institutional Equity and Diversity, because no one should care what you look like or where you come from when you are part of a circus. Best of all, tourists would come from far and wide, eager to experience the phenomenon of this institutional circus of higher education. They would pay good money to witness what I think could be the greatest show on Earth.
Thank you for your time. I hope I have been of some assistance and have a great summer.
Sincerely Yours and Salud,
Ossie Bladine