Damn, it feels good to be an American.
Not only do we dominate world politics, world economics and world culture, but then we go to Sydney and kick the world’s behind over there, too?
Oh say, can you see.
I mean, there are come-from-behind victories, human-interest stories for everybody (just ask Bob Costas) and, of course, there’s Gary Payton. What’s not to love about this U.S. Olympic team?
Who cares if C.J. tested positive? Marion’s still going to win those five golds! Aborigines, smigenees – watch Michael Johnsongo! Ah, let the so-called “Thorpedo” take his two events; we’ll just mop the floor with the Australians in everything else!
All of this winning is very emotional, of course. I practically burst into tears every time I turn on the television these days. There’s Laura Wilkenson bawling over beating the Chinese off the diving board. There’s the gymnastics team – it’s just one big tissue-fest with those 14-year-olds. There’s Tommy Lasorda: I just broke down when he finally won something again.
But at least some of the teams put a smile on my mug. Really, how can you not love the American tennis teams? I mean, Venus Williams is just a perfect representation of all Americans: humble, quiet and reserved. Good thing Jeff Tarango, tantrum boy, was our last U.S. men’s player. I wouldn’t have wanted Pete Sampras representing this fine country!
And shame on those Australians for booing our basketball team! Those boys are the model of civility and sportsmanship. My favorite part of the opening ceremonies was when the NBC camera panned to tight-lipped Minnesota Timberwolves forward Kevin Garnett, Panama hat tilted to one side, carrying a video camera and just soaking it all in. He must be surprised Dream Team XXXVIII is doing so well! How many other countries can claim that they have actual NBA players on their teams?
But gosh, we weren’t even supposed to win half of these golds, which frankly are starting to weigh us down. We weren’t supposed to beat Cuba in baseball. We had a greco-roman wrestler (my favorite Olympic sport, by the way) who knocked off a guy that won golds in the past three Summer Games! Stop it, please!
And where does this Lance Armstrong guy come from? I thought he was supposed to be good. “Superman,” as he’s often called, sarcastically noted before coming to Sydney, “I can win five Tours (meaning the Tour de France), but if I lose at the Olympics, everyone back home says, ‘Who is that guy?’”
Excuse me, Lance, but isn’t that the way it should be? Shouldn’t the Olympics be the pinnacle? The top of the heap? Do they happen once a year, or every four years? I’m not quite clear on that fact. And which is better, a bright-yellow shirt or a heavy gold medal? Definitely the shirt.
But seriously, I’ve just been kidding with you this whole time. I only really watch the Olympics for Katie Couric.