Author’s Note: A little over a year ago, I was sexually assaulted. While I am still dealing with the repercussions of this traumatic experience personally, I am hoping to use my voice now not only to help myself heal but to let other women on campus know that they are not alone and they do not need to suffer in silence. With this aim in mind, I wrote a letter to my attacker.
Once, I thought you were my friend. I thought you were harmless. But in one night you managed, successfully and traumatically, to prove me wrong.
More than a year ago, when we were at a party, you, I and another friend stayed up late together, talking and listening to music. I was severely intoxicated after drinking and smoking throughout the night. I remember our other friend being called out of the room.
I started drifting in and out of consciousness when I felt your hands on my body. I didn’t know what to do – didn’t know what would happen. I thought if I just froze you’d leave me alone, but I was wrong. I lay there, unresponsive and on the verge of blacked out, while you sexually assaulted me.
Maybe you didn’t think it was sexual assault at the time. Maybe you thought my complete inactivity and unresponsiveness were signs that I was enjoying what you were doing to me. I wasn’t. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that you, my supposed friend, just started groping me in the dark when I was so severely out of it. And, just to clarify the situation for you, it was sexual assault. It was unwanted physical contact, taking advantage of me because I trusted you and because I was intoxicated – because I made an easy target.
I didn’t speak up; I failed to use my voice. Well, I’m using it now, using it to tell you that what you did was wrong, traumatizing and not reciprocated. I’m using my voice to tell you to stop, to think before you act, to make sure what you’re doing with someone is consensual, to not make the same mistake again. Because if you persist in your disgusting habit of taking advantage of intoxicated girls, one day one of these girls might be strong enough to fight back.
I’m writing this as a warning. What you did was wrong; do not do it again. You hurt me once, and I sure as hell am not going to give you the satisfaction of hurting me again.
With my voice, I am holding you accountable for your actions.
Editor’s Note: In accordance with the author’s wish to let other women hear their own stories echoed in her experience, and to protect her personal well-being, the Emerald agreed to publish this letter anonymously.
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Speaking out
Daily Emerald
February 25, 2009
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