After three days, seven rounds and countless awkward moments on the ESPN set, the NFL draft is finally over.
The draft is one of those weird events that you know is largely meaningless but still watch anyway. I have yet to understand why I dedicate so much time to Mel Kiper and his hair.
There were, however, some moments during ESPN’s 29,335 hours of coverage that I genuinely enjoyed: Jimmy Clausen falling well out of the first round, players bear hugging Roger Goodell when their names were called, and my hometown Chicago Bears picking a guy named J’Marcus Webb in the seventh round (ever since the Bulls stupidly traded LaMarcus Aldridge, I’ve been waiting for another athlete with a “La” or Ja” in front of his name. LeBron James would work too, I guess).
Webb is also 6 feet 8 inches tall and 328 pounds. Suffice it to say that if he’s cut, I’ll be very disappointed.
One of the things I find most interesting about any draft is the intensive scouting report created for each player. Every detail is examined, right down to a player’s practice habits.
As I perused through these during the draft, it dawned on me how weird it must be for players to read their own scouting reports. Who knows if they actually do, but I’d be curious if I were a star athlete. What do these scouts really think of me?
And so, I present to you my own personal draft card. If scouts were to evaluate me, this is what I would imagine they’d write. I think it goes without saying that upon reading this, my dreams of professional stardom were dashed.
Production: Played lots of pick-up football in high school. Fancies self as talented wide receiver and cornerback. Otherwise, no proof of any productivity (unless you count fantasy football).
Height/weight/speed: Short, lacks bulk, shows some quickness when running vertically. Lateral quickness can be described as somewhere between Zydrunas Ilgauskas, David Ortiz and Tony Soprano. Let’s move on.
Durability: No known long-term injuries, but frowned when asked to run three miles. Have yet to see him tackled, but fear he might break in half.
Intangibles: Dedication to academics is troubling. Seems to want to do something after football. We don’t like this; we prefer womanizing frat boys who frequent college bars well into their thirties (e.g. Ben Roethlisberger). Otherwise, seems like a decent guy. We emphasize, this is the best thing he has going for him.
Competitiveness: At first glance appears motivated, but this quickly changes once fatigue hits. At that point, he begins to jog and hustles only occasionally. Cannot be described as a “monster” or a “bad, bad man” on the field. We prefer people like that.
Separation skills: Do you mean separation from the buffet table? If so, not good. Not good at all.
Run after the catch: Seems to prefer “running away from the catch.”
Athleticism: When we asked, he proceeded to perform what he called a “half cartwheel, half round-off.” Upon seeing the blank looks on our faces, he attempted to compare it to Jason Pierre-Paul’s backflips. We were not convinced.
Instincts: Instinctively avoided the weight room whenever possible. Also had an uncanny awareness of which days of practice offered “all-you-can-eat” pizza buffets afterward.
Conclusion: It’s a good thing this kid wants to write about sports instead of play them.
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