The following is a part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
The federal government announced early today it is officially removing Thanksgiving from the List of National Holidays. Several animal rights’ groups, including PETA and Turkey Freedom Fighters, are rejoicing, while students who have to attend school this
Thursday and Friday are rioting.
“It’s such bullcrap,” said University freshman John Brown. “I can’t believe we have to stay at school when all I want to do is go home and eat my weight in turkey and stuffing.”
“This is a great day for turkey rights,” said TFF founder Julie Pepperidge. “Now those poor turkeys can roam free in the wild.”
The decision was a hard one for the government, considering the historical significance of the holiday. But after 37 hours in a small conference room, the Conglomerate of Food-Related Holiday Affairs decided that it should be taken off the list.
The decision was catalyzed when Jeffrey Giblet, the head of the conglomeration, learned from his 13-year-old daughter, who is taking American history, that the pilgrims and the Native Americans did not, in fact, have a very peaceful feast together on the last Thursday of November.
“It was an outrage to learn that,” Giblet said to the New York Times. “I can’t believe we’ve been celebrating a lie for so many years.”
Some families are pulling their children out of school anyway and having a Thanksgiving dinner. Other families are making their children go to school, relieved that they don’t have to deal with the hyperactive aftermath of pie-induced sugar highs.
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